Let the agent bring it down....

Top ten list of minor annoyances encountered daily by airline pilots. There are far more annoying items than those listed below - this list merely consists of unnecessary aggravations, that unlike say, the TSA, passengers, or thunderstorms are not inevitable.

This list is by no means complete - these are my personal musings from flying just two legs, FLL-ATL-DCA with a layover in DCA, an area known for its indigenous breed of especially aggressive hotel maids.

Before starting I would like to acknowledge item number 8 on our list - If I was still sleeping I could not have produced this list.



10 - Fingerprints on the displays. Why??? I guess the occasionally errant finger may rarely find itself touching the display, but who are the people who firmly press and roll their fingerprints on the screen?

9 - Toilet seats in multi-million dollar aircraft that do not stay up.

8 - Overly aggressive hotel maids. Kind of like the hostelry version of Africanized killer bees. You know the type - they loudly wrap on doors with keys to produce an extremely piercing and penetrating auditory assault. The best of them can even act surprised when you answer the door in your skivvies scratching your nuts even though you have the “Do not disturb sign” on your door.

7 - Walking through airports. Oh where to start? This topic may even merit its own list but for now lets just consider the following: Passengers who form lines directly across the concourse, excessively loud beeping carts, human obstacles - those who stop abruptly, serpentine needlessly, and generally wander around the airport like so many zombies on vacation, seemingly adrift in sea of humanity, yet they always end up directly in front of you with unerring precision, and finally those endless TSA announcements.

6 - Runway 10 in Atlanta. 48 minutes to fly to ATL and another 36 minutes getting to your gate.

5 - The Guard police. These guys are great. Someone will erroneously make a 2 second call on guard and instead off politely saying “check your frequency” they will then go on guard and transmit something like this “AIRCRAFT XXXX YOU ARE TRANSMITTING ON GUARD FREQUENCY. WHY ARE YOU TRANSMITTING ON GUARD FREQUENCY? DID YOU NOT REALIZE THAT YOU WERE TRANSMITTING ON GUARD? - CHECK YOUR FREQUENCY AND GET OFF GUARD (unlike me) WE NEED TO KEEP THIS FREQUENCY CLEAR FOR EMERGENCIES. DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER EVER TELL YOU NEVER TO TRANSMIT ON GUARD.” And then there are the equally annoying follow on calls - “Hey your on guard too.”

4 - Paper towels jammed so tightly into the dispenser, that if left undisturbed for for long enough would slowly carbonize and eventually turn into diamonds.

3 - Trash left in the cockpit. Hey dude, thanks for leaving me half of your melted Twix bar and and 8 ounces of diet coke but I will spring for my own.

2 - Free Internet at the Hotel - Yeah, if you can figure out how to sign in. How hard would it be to print out a little card with sign in and password information?

1 - And finally the number one unnecessary annoyance that we encounter daily: People who switch frequencies and immediately start transmitting, stepping on any unfortunate soul who was already talking. Can you at least listen for .0000000001 seconds to ensure that no one else is already talking.

Delta 1624 - “ Jacksonville center that is affirmative Delta 1624 can [#@^&*(^%X%@$&^%$(*&^%$#*&^!@#)(*^&*(%$#@!#$%!@*(^% !@] over”

Jacksonville center - “Two talking at the same time, Self centered 367, please standby.”

Scoop

Honorable mention - The fact that the 737 cockpit was apparently designed prior to the birth of the science of ergonomics.

Lucky, we leave MEM for ATL on day 1 and don't return till we finish.

Scoop,

According to Southwest Airlines, the solution to the toilet seat issue in most airplanes is 2 1/2 units of nose right trim. Monitor the airplane for a couple of minutes if you are near max altitude to ensure it will continue to fly in this un coordinated state. Set M C T just in case.

The cockpit door will want to slam open and the cart fall towards the L1. But this keeps the passengers from beating you to the lavatory since they keep falling to their left.

Enjoy your hands free bathroom break. If necessary to sit down, go manual on the pressure controller and set up a shallow cabin altitude increase so any unwanted odors vent towards the outflow valve and aft manifold.

Remember to re trim the airplane. Recall a significant control wheel displacement results in dragging a spoileron.

The highest threat is failure to brief the pilot monitoring who could potentially re trim the jet mid stream with unwanted results. Also, anything that sounds like the autopilot disconnecting is reason to expedite gear stowage.

That was a father/son routine, in 1978 they had been doing it for 12 years...don't know how long they ended up doing it.

You have way to much time on your hands!

LMAO! WTH do you come up with this stuff?!

Scoop,
You forgot to add:
The more upscale the hotel chain we stay at, the cheaper quality toilet paper they use.


Plus, I've come to the conclusion that people walk through the terminals in the same manner as they operate motor vehicles.

Yep, still on the 73 in LA but all the good deals are gone....I'm even starting to enjoy the DTW layover in Livonia (La - Bone - Ya). Oh, how the mighty have fallen?

Great stuff Scoop! I especially agree with the Guard Nazis. There's so much disdain in their voices. Chill guys!

And, how about shower drains that don't drain? I always enjoy standing in some other dudes pubes or the hair from the maid as the water laps my ankles, and eventually my knees, as I take a steaming shower after a long day of flying.