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Old 11-18-2005, 06:51 PM   #1  
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Smile If you have a sec.

In the early 60s Alaska Airlines was referred to as spastic airlines by Alaskans and not without some cause.

Location : Anchorage International

Time : Early morning

"Anchorage ground , time check please."

Pregnant pause................

"What airline are you?"

An even more pregnant pause......................

"Ah , er , hum , does it make a difference?"

Where upon a bright and effervesent voice says , "Oh Yes ! If you're Pan Am it's zero eight hundred. If your Wein it's eight AM.

But if your Alaska Airlines the little hand is on eight and the big hand is on twelve !!!!!!!!!"

--
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Old 11-18-2005, 06:53 PM   #2  
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Smile Smile

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So..how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer?? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way.? I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

--
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Old 11-18-2005, 08:02 PM   #3  
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Smile You had to be there

True Story.

For those of you who have never filed a military flight plan, they don't require all the same information as a civilian flight plan, but for this story the only important block we don't have is the one asking for aircraft color.

We were a flight of 6 Army helicopters on a cross country flight in California. Along the route the weather changed and we were forced to amend our flight plan with the FSS. The lead aircraft was manned by an instructor and a new pilot (lieutenant, not that it matters). The instructor decided that it would be good practice for the new pilot to talk to the FSS and do a change to the flight plan. The lieutenant contacted the FSS and confidently passed all the information required on a military flight plan. Then the following was heard:

FSS: "R12345 good copy. State number onboard and color. R12345: "Roger Ma'am, two people on the first aircraft, one black and one white, the rest each have two people, all white."

We are still trying to figure out who was laughing the hardest, those of us in the flight or the lady at the FSS.
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Old 11-18-2005, 08:09 PM   #4  
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Smile The Rules

Pilot Rules


The PILOT always make THE RULES.

THE RULES are subject to change at any time
without prior notification.

No CO-PILOT can possibly know all THE RULES.

If the PILOT suspects the CO-PILOT knows all THE
RULES, he must immediately change some or all
THE RULES.

The PILOT is never wrong.

If the PILOT is wrong, it is due to a
misunderstanding wich was a direct result of
something the CO-PILOT did or said wrong.

The CO-PILOT must apologize immediately for
causing such misunderstanding.

The PILOT may change his mind at any time.

The CO-PILOT must never change his mind without
the express written concent of the PILOT.

The PILOT has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.
The CO-PILOT must remain calm at all times unless
the PILOT wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The CO-PILOT is expected to mind read at all
times.
The PILOT is ready when he is ready.

The CO-PILOT must be ready at all times.

Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in
Bodily harm.

The CO-PILOT who doesn't abide by THE RULES is
grounded.
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Old 11-18-2005, 08:14 PM   #5  
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Smile Lost

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Old 11-18-2005, 09:21 PM   #6  
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Smile It's only a little smoke.

As a seasoned "Traveler" my greatest test of nerves came on a flight aboard a Convair 580. The old bird (operated by then Republic Airlines) fired up, smoked and then rambled down the runway and eventually lifted off for a quick flight to Detroit. After feeling ( and hearing ) all the strange noises that the convair made, it was at this point that I was missing the familiar DC-9's that I flew aboard on a regular basis. I was also regretting not taking my flight pill ( Tranquilizers).
At cruise I looked out my window and noticed a small puff of smoke coming from the engine intermittently. When the Flight Attendant walked by, I quietly told her to keep from starting a panic on the plane about this phenomena that I was witnessing in the engine. She smiled at me and said: "Oh that ..... Don't worry sir they do that all the time". She obviously seen that my nerves were totally shot after that comment and asked: "Sir, could I get you anything "?. My only response was in a much louder tone: " Yea, you can get me a damn parachute and while your at it ask the pilot to drop some altitude I'm scarred of heights".

I have never flown on a prop since then, and my ATP pilot buddies still get a kick out of telling that story over a cup of coffee.

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Old 11-18-2005, 09:25 PM   #7  
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Smile Smile

It was the time of the Soviet Union, communism and control were natural aspects of the everyday life. One day, there was a Tupolev 154 on short final to Oslo Airport. There is a big field of acres close to the runway, and the tower controller alerted the pilots:

"Check the farmers on the right side of the runway"

"They are all working" the soviet pilot responded with a clear Russian accent.
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Old 11-18-2005, 09:29 PM   #8  
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Smile Overheard recently on London Information (monitoring cross-channel traffic )...

Calling: (unintelligible) D-ABCD, position XXN XXE, altitude 6500ft, requesting flight information
London: Roger D-ABCD, what is your point of departure and destination?
Calling: We left Augsburg, Germany, about 22 hours ago
London: (long pause) uh, and what is your destination?
Calling: Uh, I don't know...
London: (longer pause) uh, when and where will you be crossing the coast?
Calling: Crossing in about 3 hours somewhere between Dover and Worthing (around 70 mile of coastline)
London: (pause) D-ABCD, say again aircraft type
Calling: D-ABCD is a hot air ballon.

I'd heard him say hot-air ballon in the first call - it was a blast listening to
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Old 11-18-2005, 09:33 PM   #9  
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Smile Smile

257, Do you have Charlie?
Tower, 257, Negative, we left him back at the hanger!

257, Do you have Echo?
Tower, 257, Negative, recieving you loud and clear!

257, Do you have Hotel?
Tower, 257, Negative, We are staying with friends!

257, Do you have Juliet?
Tower, 257, Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!

257, Do you have Kilo?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!

257, Do you have Mike?
Tower, 257, Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!

257, Do you have Oscar?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!

257, Do you have Popa?
Tower, 257, Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!

257, Do you have Romeo?
Tower, 257, Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

257, Do you have Uniform?
Tower, 257, Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!

257, Do you have Victor?
Tower, 257, Negative, Who is Victor?

257, Do you have Xray?
Tower, 257, Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!

257, Do you have Whiskey?
Tower, 257, Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?
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Old 11-18-2005, 09:37 PM   #10  
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Smile Another true story

This happened late one evening when my wife was working operations control. This was obviously the crew's first time at RDU.

She had already given the numbers along w/ gate assignment to the crew. The conversation with as follows.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham this is five-seven-five coming at ya. Confirm gate assignment.
Self: Five-seven-five gate assignment is ten that's one-zero.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham copy ten one-zero

Self: Affirmative five-seven-five.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham we're on the ground.

Self: Five-seven-five copy on the ground.

Crew: Uhhh Raleigh-Durham where is our ground crew?

Self: Ground crew on the ground at gate 10 that's one-zero sir.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham, I thought you had jetways at this airport.

Self: Affirmative on the jetways five-seven-five.

Crew: Raleigh-Durham WHERE IS THE GROUND CREW????

Self: Five-seven-five..the ground crew saw you land, but where are you? Identify your surroundings, sir.

Crew: Raeigh-Durham, we are parked by a DC-9, tail number niner-two-five and there is a UPS stretch 727 on the other end of the terminal.

Self: Copy that sir. Sir, I strongly suggest you announce a gate change. You have parked yourself at the Air Freight terminal.

Crew: Ugh oh! Copy gate change.

Crew announced a gate change and arrived several minutes later.
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