Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

************************************************** ********************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

HA! My wife's going to see this one.

 

Here is the other side.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Golf with the
Guys 3.3 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install,
delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do
this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with
more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you
keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and
problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any
case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to
give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to
normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all
the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for
Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

 

Thanks, I got a good laugh outta that!

 

Although it is not recommended, it is possible to run both Girlfriend 7.0 and Wife 1.0, but they can not be run from the same workstation.

A separate workstation is recommended.

This will decrease the possibilities of both Operating Systems inadvertently running simultaneous programs on your laptop and disabling your hardware.


Additional user inputs:

There have also been instances of Wife 1.0 detecting Girlfriend 7.0 running in the background resulting in a notification to the Mother board. This typically induces a hard drive crash and the user will be unable to open any window.

There have also been cases where a virus from Girlfriend 7.0 has migrated to Wife 1.0 from a file transfer using a thumb drive. Transfer of files is not recommended without running virus protection software first.

 

Kinda like a Bobbitt crash?

 

It should be noted that these reports are based on other users inputs to 11Fan Tech Support.

11Fan originally installed HappyWife 1.0 on initial workstation, but has upgraded each year. Currently running HappyWife 14.5. I also upgraded to LargerHouse 5.0 six years ago and added Mother-in-Law-who-adores-me 1.0 as a Utility Program.

Occasional conflicts between Mother-in-Law-who-adores-me 1.0 and HappyWife programs, but generally a reboot resolves issues.

I also added DeadbeatBrother-in-Law 0.5 when upgrading to LargerHouse 5.0 but found that DeadbeatBrother-in-Law 0.5 was a drain on resources and deleted it. Attempts were made to stabilize DeadbeatBrother-in-Law 0.5 with application of Get-a-Job 1.0 and Find-a-Girlfriend-and-move-out 2.5, but both were unsuccessful. DeadbeatBrother-in-Law 0.5 was replaced it with HouseCat 3.0 and space once occupied by DeadbeatBrother-in-Law 0.5 now being used as HomeOffice 4.0. 11Fan recommends HouseCat 3.0 as it is quite User Friendly.

 

You don't need software, just study the ancient philosophers.

>Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat
>a rumour.
>
>In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
>wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran
>up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
>about one of your students...?"
>
>"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to
>pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
>
>"Test of Three?"
>
>"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
>student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first
>test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
>tell me is true?"
>
>"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
>
>"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
>Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about
>to tell me about my student something good?"
>
>"No, on the contrary..."
>
>So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even
>though you're not certain it's true?"
>
>The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
>
>Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third
>test -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
>student going to be useful to me?"
>
>"No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
>me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
>
>The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason
>Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
>
>It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

Husband 1.0 still runs better than Vista