Departure briefing: "... any questions?"

Would I be a tool for mentioning that those boys put a few women in the water?

I am SO stealing that!

No joke, one day coming out of HPN- when the F/A asked a woman what she wanted to drink, the wife told her husband, "Tell her I don't talk to the help."

Also out of HPN, I climbed out into the cabin as pax were deplaning and a business man in a suit opened his briefcase and emptied all its contents (mostly trash) in the aisle, closed up the briefcase, and walked off the airplane. Incredible. Super Tool.

Actually, there are a lot of Tools coming out of HPN. I have more issues with pax there than anywhere else.

There can't be a correlation, can there?

Not tool-- dripping wet behind the ears. Unless he says-- "they are more aerodynamic this way" and doesn't change them out.

I wore mine like that the first month... It looked more right if it tapered out (never had looked at them that close). And besides, everyone needed a gentle reminder everytime they saw me that I'm better than them! :D

There are a substantial number of AV8SWA and 737SWA and SWANO1 and other variants in the crew lot of my airport. Really?

But let's not forget the Jetblue guy last week somewhere on NYC departure who signed out with "BLUE!" in the gutteral "CYA!" style. "Jetblue XXX to 123.45... BLUE!" :confused:

No sir, I am no such thing: the gentleman failed to heed the advice of his instructor, and failed to account for his limitations. Flying has little tolerance for poor judgment.

But I wasn't relating the story to label the person in question a tool (he was actually more of a fool), but simply as a matter of geographical proximity to the other post.

Monday morning quartebacking would suggest picking apart a response to a complicated situation, by a more qualified individual. Mine was merely a sad observation about the unfortunate outcome of an unqualified individual making a simple decision, and chosing poorly.

- Anybody that says "SEE YA", in the fast deep voice, when switching frequencies
- The guy that knows everything, until you tell him facts
- Anybody that comes on here to complain that we are talking about this, (you are the guy we are all talking about) they need to realize this is a place for us to vent

Comair had a guy with the plates that read "RJ pilot"

Long sleeves are the universal warning sign.

Nu

+1

Ferd <--------Violation!! No cheerleading, MAN LAW:D

Ooooh, reminds me of some corporate stories.

Ticked owner, mad at the pilot for the pilot doing the right thing, pulls out a $100 bill, lights it on fire, says there's your tip and leaves. I do believe that pilot quit eventually.
----
Corporate contract flight attendants + your airplane = your airplane trashed.

Nanny + kids + your airplane = big bill.
---
Wealthy CEO's wife, NJA warned she'd take stuff off the airplane. She did. She took everything. Opened every drawer and took out every magazine, gum, snacks, water, etc. Took it all. Didn't even have room for it in their car once we got to Eagle. She smashed it in. Probably threw some away. Amazing. Also demanded 1 water bottle per passenger x how many hours we were in the air, I think it worked out to 70 or 80 bottles.

We got all new magazines and billed NJA back during the time of "spend whatever it takes to make them happy!" Bad idea.
---
The multitude of pilots who thought they could walk into our jet just to take a look around. No no. That's white carpet, get out now.

Well, not quite bright white, a very white gray. BTW, don't ever get white or a very white gray carpet.
---
Demo flight. 14 morons there to grade the airplane. 15 minute flight. Dude takes a dump. Really?

Same flight, PC-12 pilot, upset we'd pitch to 17 degrees nose up climb (or whatever it was, it was in the FD bars). Thought we were being dangerous. That's not how any airplane he's ever flown is pitched on takeoff.

No kidding bro.
---
The corporate management company that wants to manage your airplane, and fire you asap. Why have pilots loyal to the owner?

BTW, next time have us sign a NDA.

And the next fractional wannabe corporate management company that promises the owner he can turn that hangar queen into a money maker! The owner says, I like it being a hangar queen, it's a nice plane. Then the owner asks, what would happen to my pilots? They'd become Flight Options pilots, you could always request them if you want them. oh? And what if I want to use my plane? Well, we'd provide you one of our airplanes but if you want yours then you need to pay to fly it back to you at the full charter rate which was 2x the normal charter rate for some reason?

The good thing was the numbers offered were so bad it was a nonstarter from the beginning. Basically, they wanted a free plane.
---
Talking to a charter customers mistress about Michael Jordan's mistresses, awkward. But not as awkward as turning the pull out couch back into a couch.
--
Charter customer in Kansas, watches with the FBO rampers while the pilots load bags for 12 into the back. As soon as we close the door, customer turns to the ramper and hands him a big wad of cash for a tip. Ramper walks inside. Um... wow. I don't care if you tip me, but why him? He just stood out here long enough to get a tip and walk away. If I had thought about it, I'd taken the wheel chocks he left in as souvenirs.
---
Customs in PBI. So [redacted story]. :D ;)

The captain on a flight I was nonrevving on, the airline I fly for, that has paid us crap and treated us like crap since we bailed them out in BK, losing our pensions, work rules, scope, and 48% of our paychecks...yeah, that airline.

Captain glad-mouths his way across the country with a ton of happy-crap PAs, then as we park, says "if you like the way you were treated by your professional pilots and flight attendants, please log on to united.com and tell Jeff.

This TOOL must love our canal-water-suckin' contract!

Made me puke into my mouth a little bit.

TW

ATA had "L1011ATA". Wonder if he changed them after the CH7 or just sold the Porsche.

Yeah, although saw a "V1ROT8" once. Thought that was pretty clever.

OK that one wins the Massengill trophy.

emb cat iii?!

I saw one in CA once I thought was pretty good!

250BLOX

Tool
 

The one who refuses to wear his airport security badge while attempting to down the jetway. Argues with airport security or gate agent when challenged.

OH NO I'm a Tool! :eek:



I will now welcome myself to the club, I will. Thank you, thank you!

That's not entirely true. Some of us fear skin cancer. I've got the scars on my body to prove it.

I'd be willing to fly without pants if it would make you think I'm cool.

More clever than STRLCKPT, anyway.

I guess you don't want a plate that would identify one as a pilot AND a tool. For example:
DBLEDNG

Or maybe an ambiguous F/A / Pilot:
SLMCLKR

Or Pure Tool:
LORNZO
WOLFE

Are we allowed to roll up our sleeves if we wear long-sleeved shirts or is that technically not FOM approved. I think a rolled up sleeve conveys a professionally-sophisticated, yet approachable demeanor.

Also does the rolling up of the sleeve have any effect on the being a tool? And if so, how far up ones arm would the sleeve need to be rolled up to so as to disqualify someone as being a tool? Forearm? Elbow? Lower Bicep?

For all sleeve rolling advice, you'll have to ask a real "Man of the People" like...Mitt Romney. :D TOOL!

When I was flying cancelled checks, my licenses plate said, PILE-IT

One time I had just parked at the grocery store and got out, and a long tall gal walks by, looks at my tag and then bursts out laughing. Turns out she was an Eastern F/A, she asked if I was a Pilot. I told her, 'sort of, just a freight dog'. She thought it was funny as hell.

I was in a bar (not that kind) that saw an expired plate on the wall: SUKNBLO

He goes by J.E. and yes, he is a ****ing TOOL:confused:!!!:p:D

That just makes you a skin-cancer-fearing-tool.:eek:

Shaws or Mammoth Maat?

Ok, Cat II.

Shaws of course! :D

Same as the captain that has to say "I do things by the book"- I usually end up wondering which book they actually do things by.

BTW- long-sleeve wearer here. Sorry.

On the whole Briefing idea...shouldn't we all be able to say...Just do what they taught you in training...or not even that, because, what else would you do?

I always fly with the mindset that the guy sitting next to me went through the same upgrade training I did (because...he DID) and he knows what the procedures are, and how to read a checklist, so, why do I have to tell him how to do his job? Until he proves otherwise, I'm going to assume he knows what he's doing. Yet I have to brief "Aborts and abnormals" every time. WHY??


Same with the F/A's, but I am required to tell them how and when to evacuate, and what the signals are, how to open the cockpit door, etc. while most of the F/A's I fly with have been doing their job for over 35 years.

How about a briefing that goes like this:

"Let's have fun, and not end up on CNN! Questions?"

Because if you don't know your job by now, my briefing you isn't going to help. And if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong! :rolleyes:

I used to brief as a captain,
"Figured I'd just let you know that I'm a real uptight of guy, if I'm staring at you that means your probably doing something wrong, and if I'm not staring at you then that means you are still doing something wrong. Save the books and the CRM for the recurrent, and don't ask me anything. Any questions?"


Seriously though, I always hate hearing the by the book thing. It makes the assumption that everyone else, including you, does most things non standard.

Oh, and don't agree with the whole long sleeves thing.

Oh, there are TONS of RJ license plate variants! I would like to meet the FA whose license plate is ORD CZY!! :D

..or how about B6cr8zy.

How about a pilot who decides to take off everything below his tie in the bathroom stall and then while you are washing your hands, comes out of the stall and blocks your exit while he grabs some paper towels to wipe his man package. Then he starts talking to you as if he isn't walking around with his b@lls hanging out.

What in the hell?

I wanted to ask him, but past experiences have taught me not to talk to a naked man in the bathroom.

Good point and I used to think the same until I took a safety seminar where the subject came up. It has to do with the psyschology of Memory and remembering under stress. If you brief the abort / emergency return procedure shortly before takeoff it brings those steps to the surface of your memory and consequently your response to an actual takeoff emergency will be quicker and more accurate than if you had not briefed. No space for the full discussion here but the gentleman made a believer of me that day.

I firmly agree on the mindset of let's have fun and not end up on CNN!