On my off days, I sometimes pick up a shift as a bartender.... tonight it was a neighborhood bar. It was slow, only a half dozen people there.

Bar tending does give one some insight into people's lives. A fellow came in tonight depressed. I was the only person he talked to. He is a single guy (divorced for a long time), about 50 years old. Has a job but the company is in limbo, not rich, and not overly attractive.

He said something to me tonight that got me wondering....

"John, I'm just grinding it out", he said. "I've got no passion for suicide, but I'm ready to die."

A dozen or so years ago, I faced death (cancer at 33), and at first I thought I understood: he didn't want to fight any more. But as we talked, I realized it wasn't that, he was worn out. Nothing he did mattered, and he wasn't going to get a girl (very shy and uncomfortable around women). He wouldn't kill himself because it would hurt his siblings, but he was tired of living.

I've consoled people who lost a job, a spouse, and even a family member... even their kids, but what do I say to a guy who has lost the will to live?




I know this isn't the forum for such topics, but maybe somebody here has faced the same thing. Any suggestions are appreciated.

 

Get a hobby...something involving intense physical activity would probably help this guy on several levels. If he gets in shape, he might find a lady...all kinds of women at triathlons.

He might also be depressed, in which case seeing a doctor would be appropriate.

But I should note...this kind of talk is a classic pre-suicide warning sign, you may need to intervene (tough spot to be in).

 

He could volunteer his time - people need this guy. People need his help. Unitedway is the perfect start - they have so many different programs that need volunteers. Volunteers to work with their hands building for those in need. Volunteers to feed those in need, etc. If he is in a bar, he must be looking for something.

Get involved with the church.

People need people.

We spend so much time searching for our wants and needs that we loose sight on Gods true purpose for us - to help one another. It's an amazing feeling that will bring light back into your darkness.

Plus, it's fun, you meet other good people - some that are single - could be the start of a new life.

Give a man purpose and he will rise up and take flight.

 

Good for you for "listening." You probably helped him lift some of the burden he feels. It's very easy to talk about positive things with your friends and family, but difficult to discuss things that are bothering you to the same people. He may be depressed, in which case he needs professional help--but he could just have needed to vent. In either case, hopefully he gets help and can put everything in perspective. (Did you share the fact that you were a cancer survivor to him? That may have helped him see his life isn't so bad after all. BTW, glad to hear you're ok.....)

 

I agree with both above, you need a 'reason' to get up out of bed every day, this guy sounds like he needs a hoby or to volunteer or both. Both will lead to him meeting lots of new people, and that'll give him a 'reason to live' so to speak.

Now, since we are on the topic of "what do you say to a guy..." I've got a buddy with a worse problem, terminal brain cancer. I talked to him yesterday, he said they're giving him -months- to live.

We used to be close friends years ago but I haven't seen him in at least 10 years. I moved away, we both have kids, we both got too busy to keep in close contact, etc. but when I heard about his brain cancer I had to call him. He's already been through the chemo and radiation, and the tumors came back. He said, "There's nothing else they can do for me." I was speachless.

A year ago he was a healthy acitive gung-ho kinda guy, physically fit, non-smoker, etc. and loving life. What do you say to your friend, when he's only got a few months to live? I would love to fly up to see him, but I'm affraid of what might or might not come out of my mouth when I do. I'm affraid I'll be crying so hard nothing will come out.

 

Just show up. Everything else will work itself out.

 

Agreed! You will make his day and talking about the fun times you've had will definitely lift his spirits. Trust me, if you don't go out of fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, you will kick yourself in the ass when he does pass away.

 

I sort of agree, but make sure he is o.k. with you coming. I've known a few people who have had terminal cancer and they asked that people send card, e-mails, etc. but could not handle personal visits except from family. Just something to consider.

 

As a cancer survivor myself maybe I can give some insight. When you are sick you find out who your friends are. Two of my good friends came to visit me in the hospital and at home. I truly appreciated the fact that they took time out of their day to see how I was doing. It didn't matter what they said, it was enough that they cared enough to make an appearance.
Compare that to the people that "I didn't want to bother you in this difficult time". This is more about them being afraid of saying something wrong and not being able to do anything for you. A simple statement like "Man, I'm so sorry you and your family are going thru this" is enough.

 

Being worn out is a consequence of having exhausted your goal structure. There is no doubt that life is potentially worthwhile for the vast majority of those who live it, but it may not seem like it at times because of physical and emotional blocks getting in the way. Deal with those first. Either this guy has technical issues, or he is not trying to find worthwhile goals. Assuming he is just an ordinary guy who has burned out a little bit, encourage him to visualize what would make him happy then try and set up a structure for attaining it. Ask him what he wants to do in life and if he says nothing, then say you could do quite a few things that would be a lot of fun and have great meaning if only could think of them. Most of us want to be admired by our peers, he should probably find something that will lead to respect from those he admires. It may be a thousand mile journey for sure, but its starts with the first step. I know it is frustrating seeing people like this, because you want to help them while only they can help themselves. We should just encourage them. A little encouragement can get someone to start thinking about things in a more satisfying way. He is not a worn out guy, he is a guy who is ripe for adventure and does not know it yet!