Many years ago on a long BOAC flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my ****ing advice, he'll ask me."

 

What happens when you give viagra to lawyers and airline managers?


They grow taller.

 

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate it
to the class the next day.

When Little Johnny was called upon, he walked up
to the front of the class, picked up a piece of chalk,
and made a small white dot on the blackboard.
Then he sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," said little Johnny.

"Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so
exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little Johnny,
"but this morning my sister was missing one,
Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the
man next door shot himself."

 

One crystal clear night, an airliner passes abeam Pittsburgh and the First Officer decides to update the passengers on the flights progress and the beautiful night time view of the city off to their right.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look off to the right you will see the we are currently ****ing over Patsburgh........uh....uh......I mean we are passing over Pittsburgh." Thoroughly embarrassed, he notices the Captain
snickering and blurts out, "Hasn't that ever happened to you where you meant to say one thing and something different came out?"

The Captain rubs his chin, thinks for a moment, and says, "Oh sure. Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'Please pass the toast" and instead, it came out..'YOU *****....Your Ruining my LIFE!!"

 

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

 

A woman wanted to surprise her husband so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. When her husband got home from work he found his wife spread eagle on the floor with the panties on.

"Hey big boy! You want some of this?" she asked in a husky voice.

"Oh hell no!", the husband replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!!"

 

What's the difference between a dog and a flight attendant?

When you throw a dog a bone, it doesn't buddy bid you for 6 months.

 

Sven and Olie are sitting around having a beer and Sven says,
"You know Olie, I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you this, but last night I happened to look over at your house and you had left the shades open and I sort of saw you and the misses goin to town there, donchaknow?"

Well Olie just slaps his knee and lets out a big norwegian laugh and says,
"Joke's on you Sven, I wasn't even home last night!"

 

Jimmy just turned 10, and is very excited. He decides to test the members of his family to see if they remembered his birthday.

"Daddy, daddy, guess how old I am today!"

Jimmy's dad says "You're 10 Jimmy, happy birthday!" and gives him a hug.

Jimmy runs into the living room where his grandmother is knitting, and says "Grandmom, guess how old I am today!"

Jimmy's grandmom puts down her knitting needles, pulls down Jimmy's pants and starts fondling his entire package. She does this for a solid 15 minutes before she pulls his pants back up and replies "You're 10 years old Jimmy"

Jimmy is astonished. "Wow grandmom how could you tell?"

"Because I heard your father say it in the other room"

 

Mark, a loving husband, got himself into trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "You're such an idiot. Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

So the next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window. Sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Excited, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took her present into the house.

Then she opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.