Let's hear your flying jokes. The sicker the humor the better.

Here's mine:

I might of seen a few wet landing strips before. But most of the time I usually grab a towel so she can clean up after herself.

Did you hear about the Flight Attendant who was sooo stupid...the others noticed?

Q. Why do Flight Attendants read People Magazine on the jumpseat?

A. So they have something to think about while they're talking...


Just so you know, I've been married to a Flight Attendant for 24 years...

So I've -earned- the right to joke about them!

(she told me those jokes, and many more)

What's the difference between a flight attendant and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't buddy bid you for 6 months after you dump a load in it!

727 crew waiting for the hotel van:

Engineer says, "Windy, isn't it?" The F/O says, "No, it's Thursday!" The Captain says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

...shameless bump...:-)

An aging Captain gets the bad news from the Doc:" You have to quit smoking, drinking and banging those young girls."

He asks "Will that make me live longer?"

The Doc answers: "No, but it will make the time you have left feel like an eternity."



Q: What is the difference between a pilot and a pig?
A: A pig won't stay up all night trying to bang a pilot.


I think my wife may be dead.
How's that?
The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

Was getting checked out by this really cute AME last week when she said, "Sir, you will have to stop masturbating." I asked why? She said "because I am trying to examine you."

How do you know when a date with a pilot is half over? When he says "enough about flying, let's talk about me"

On a three person airline, a good overnight is;
The FE gets a hamburger, and gets to hook up with one FA
The FO gets a steak, and gets to hook up with two FA's
The CA gets a filet mignon, and has a bowel movement.

An airline pilot dies and goes to hell. He has to wait for the devil to see him, so he's just hanging out in the waiting room. There are 3 doors along the wall, he steps up to see what's behind them. Behind door number one is a bunch of pilots in a crew room doing revisions, and there's no end to them. He shudders, slams the door. Behind door number 2 is a bunch of pilots trying to commute home, staring at the departure monitor. EVERY flight is cancelled. Behind door number three is a 3 man flight deck. Every pilot has a hot FA on their lap, scantily clad FA, hand feeding them their food. He steps back, and sits back down. The devil comes out, unaware that the guy peeked behind the doors, and says "you have to pick door number one or door number two". The pilot says "why isn't door number three an option?" The devil responds with "that's flight attendant hell".

A crew is in the lobby of the hotel waiting on the van, it's time to leave and the new FA isn't down yet. CA gets slightly frustrated and calls her room. Asks why she's not down in the lobby. She responds with "my door has a do not disturb sign on it".

A flight attendant calls the airport police, claiming she's been raped in the employee lot. The cops come out and begin an investigation, dusting for prints and whatnot. During her interview, the flight attendant begins the story. She says, "I never saw his face, but I know he was a pilot!". The officer conducting the interview says, "Well if you never saw his face, how do you know he was a pilot?"

"Well, I saw his arm...he had a huge watch and a tiny di*&!"

"And he stole my newspaper!!!!!"