I had one where I was deadheading in the back in uniform. I had fallen asleep for a bit, and upon me waking up, the lady sitting next to me looks over and says "So, you must want to be a pilot someday?"

...Nah, I just dress up like this to pick up chicks....:rolleyes: (I didn't say that, I think I said something to the effect of "I think I've already got that checked off...")

You should have given her the thousand-yard stare and then declared, "I'm wearing new socks".

Oh Boomer, how you slay us! :D

Zombie Kid Likes Turtles - YouTube

This may have been more appropriate!

I tell them that the Company thinks I'm safer back here:D.

I can hear it now in Forrest Gump voice! Perfect! Absolutely perfect!

I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard at these! I can only hope to someday have occasion to use one of these in such a situation.

Thank you gentlemen, well played!

I have to keep telling my wife that!

TW

Waiting for a hotel van and two guys from Delta also waiting. I asked where they're from, and one kind of gives me the hairy eyeball and says "Delta".

PS I have a lot of Delta buds who thought that guy was a tool too.

TW

You should have asked him which is the closest galaxy to his planet Delta is located.

Maybe he's talking about the Mississippi Delta?

He might have met a celebrity from Swamp People!

http://img.poptower.com/pic-32085/sw...ople.jpg?d=600

If you commute and wear the 'commuter jacket' (North Face, Columbia, golf windbreaker) it matches great with the white shirt and black tie. Just tell then this:

Passenger: "Are you a Pilot?"

Me: "No, I sell Bibles for a living"

Passenger: "Oh"

Me: "Wanna buy a Bible?"

Passenger: "Ummmm.....no"

Me: "OK"

/End conversation



Works great everytime, all the time

This may not qualify for "tool" status but it bugs the sh$t outta me: The jumpseater who comes down before boarding then proceeds to stand over us while playing 20 questions while we preflight, load fms, run checklists etc... Just ask for a ride then get out of the way. Why is this hard?

I just tell them to wait in the jetway until we close the door. You need to be a moron if you don't understand that your in the way.

True, however some crews are plenty caught up and just love to talk. You just have to be malleable.

Read this whole thread!! Last few pages remind me of a sort of tool story I had a few years ago.

Sitting in the old Million Air in Teterhole my cell rings and it is charter cord saying they recieved a very last min request for some special kind of Johnny Walker blue or red or pink or who knows (dont drink) and could I grab a crew car and get some quick?

I was able and at that time we were wearing those stupid white shirts with stripes and a tie. So I find a grocery store down the raod with a liquor dept and run thru the aisles looking for the right color of bottle.

Around the corner comes a mother and her 6 or 7 yr old boy who loudly blurts out "ARE YOU A COP"? The horrified mother grabs him and scolds him lightly and then looks up at me red in the face and says

"sorry officer"

Hey, it could'a been worse!

When standing in the hotel lobby waiting for the crew van, I usually get, "Here boy, bring these bags to my room..." from the little old ladies!

Yup. Got that one time too. I just put her bags in the van, asked her nonchalantly where she was flying to, then got in the van. She asked me why I was not driving. I told her "because I'm flying you to [wherever it was she was going]".

Jaw drop: priceless.

TW

Nope, Mekong Delta.

Day 2 of 4, at 0600ish (dark out), standing with gate agent and waiting for our inbound aircraft to deplane. This time i had a small Starbucks in hand...

Passenger walks up, greet him with a smile and a nod before he blurts out: "YOU KNOW... It's NOT good when you see your pilot drinking a COFFEE!"

Wait... What..?

I came up to the galley from my rest break on the way home from Shanghai the other day, and there's a First Class pax chatting up the (one) cute F/A there. She asks me if I want a cup of coffee to take up front, I say, "Nah, it'll just keep me awake..."

This is GOLD

Hmm.. What happens if they DO want to buy a bible??

Next time, take them up on it and put the bags in the "special freight elevator" (dark corner in the lobby of your choice) then happily accept the tip.

Has anyone waited in the jetway until you closed the door, then waved goodbye to you as you pushed back? :D

Untool of the day:

Taxiing out of ATL last night, I changed radio 2 to guard and selected radio 1 for ground, but didn't change the transmitter from 2...

Me- "Ground Delta xxx D short of G with P...."

Voice- ONNNN GUAAARD!!!

Me- "Doh..." (changes xmitter)

Me- "Ground, blah blah blah"

Same Voice- OOONNNN GUAAARD!!!

(I frantically look down and try to figure out the problem"

Same Voice- "kidding, Delta xxx, Atlanta Ground, taxi runway 8R via taxi G and E, verify you have ATIS P"

Me- (read it back while half way laughing still) "What, you didn't hear that i have P on guard?"




.. that was a good one.

Now that's funny!

When flying with one of these tools, it is helpful to tune 123.45 instead of 121.5... oops! Did I do that?:)

people who cant get the MIC out of their nose, I know a specific airline that has 90% of these clowns.

Dumb question from a noobie here...can anyone tell me what "guard" is? Yes....I AM a tool (sometimes)

emergency frequency.... 121.5

en guard!!

Ahh k thx.

Tool of the day the guard nazi on freq...Gulf Air and another airline had a TA when Bombay had them at the same level...They were sorting out the issue on guard and were being interrupted by the TOTD guard nazi..."you're on Guard".

I take their $25 and contact info to mail it out, then when I get to the hotel I go to the nightstand and get a bible and mail it out for $3.

How much for a Quaran??

;^0

In that case I would hand them a Sky magazine and give them the infidel special - $4.00.

Anybody expecting Mumbai Control on HF is a TOTD. Just say "good day" to Muscat, tune the Mumbai VHF freq and wait for Mumbai on VHF.

GF

Post of the month, right there!

TW

You are a brilliant man.

you wouldn't be talking about an airline that can't say the vowels in their call sign now are you????

You sir have just earned your 5th stripe. Wear it with pride. :D