"What route do you fly?" is the first question every living man women or child asks you. And then follows up with one or all of the following stories; My bad travel experience/my lost bag/have you ever almost crashed/have you ever seen a UFO?

If you've ever had a women tell you she likes to be on top.......And of course is referring to which bunk she is claiming during crew rest.

If you get asked in the terminal in Atlanta where Delta is.....

Or where baggage claim is....

Or where gate ___ is, like all pilots have a map of every airport memorized...

Can't understand the person on the radio from operations because they barely speak English....

Get *****ed at for not having jetway service....

FA interrupts you in the middle of a checklist or brief to tell you about her dog....

Have said the wrong destination on your PA announcement.....

Scheduling sending you an ACARS message during a critical phase of flight like the have no idea that you are busy at the moment...

You have just flown through a tropical storm, rain, wind, and hail, are landing on a wet, short runway, put it down firmly so you can stop.... and you have the pax comment on the "rough" landing.

.......if it's cheaper to buy a cross country ticket on your airline than it is to fill up your vehicle at the gas pump.

...If you're always on time if not early on the Freedom leg
...your brain seems to have the miraculous ability to ' data dump ' seconds after leaving training
...You're tired of hearing the company is ' properly staffed '
...PB&J or Pizza in ops is a ' special treat '
...You're commenting/reading this thread while commuting/non revving somewhere ( in my case to HNL right now )

Any time you take a trip with your wife on a vacation, the token hot flight attendant chats you up, gives you a smile, and a full can of something to drink while offering your wife nothing. The look of hatred begins...

1. You've forgotten the name of the Capt and Flt Att's and any of the destinations you flew to in the last three days by the time you get to the top of the jetway.

2. As you're standing on the curb waiting for the parking shuttle, some pax asks you where to catch the bus to a. their hotel b. rental cars c. long term parking...(probationary FO)

...and you know the answer (Senior FO)
...and you pretend not to know (Capt)

Ooops, I'm in a car
 

You're driving along the Interstate, spot a thunderstorm ahead, and instinctively reach for the non-existent radar control knob.

You've ever been accused of chem trailing.

The term "bang in sick" replaces "I'm calling in sick" as part of your families vocabulary.

Since the start of your 121 career, anytime your family or spouse answers the phone, you are automatically not there. You don't even have to say anything, it's just assumed.

the wife knows not to answer your phone if it shows the area code for work while at home

Good one!

...you become invisible to your boss, and excessively visible to your neighbors, who don't believe you actually have a job.

...your dog growls when you get home.

When it's easier to go to sleep when your not suppose to.

If it is all you can do to not swear at your spouse when she asks, "So would you like to go out for dinner tonight?"

...if you can immediately think of an entire group of people who you could give this card to.

http://oi54.tinypic.com/x45iyh.jpg

You're on the curb in LGA waiting on the shuttle, a car pulls up, guy gets out and opens ther trunk, tosses luggage at you and screams;

"doze baygs are goin' ta lawderdayle" thinking you're a skycap.

Nice one.

If you use a checklist to pack your suit case before a trip.

You pack your bag without thinking/knowing/remember how it got done, but yet everything is strangely there...

Or when your driving home, you literally feel like braveheart, "FREEEEEDOOOOMMMMM"


Your basic bag contents don't really change that much, you use the same 3 pairs of jeans, sandals and gym shorts, otherwise known as "road clothes".

You eat the food on the airplane that you'd never eat on the ground.

All your toilet paper at home is individually wrapped

You have a nice collection of Hotel Ice Buckets at home in your bar

You learn how to hack the crewroom computers to get on Facebook

You become a closet cleptomaniac

You have 137 Crowne Plaza Bed Kits at home

You have 42 Shoe Polish Kits at home and your shoes still aren't polished

You have a wide selection of single serve Coffees next to your brewer

You think the inventor of the Zipper Tie should be a world leader

You are so involved in discussion with your dispatcher concerning your fuel, that you forget about your clip-on tie that is attached to your chest pocket as you pace in the jetway while boarding

Your Rollerboard looks like it did a couple of tours in the skies over Nam!

You have no idea how much a USA Today costs

In the morning you "Load Up" your travel cooler with the free breakfast items at the La Quinta.

You pat your as* as the van driver walks away pretending to reach for your wallet knowing you have only $0.04 lint covered cents in your front pocket

You ask for the suite at the hotel jokingly and she hooks you up...with the Handicap Room. Ding Dong Ditch anyone at 5am?

You can actually decipher what TSA is saying to you

Your Luggage glows from all the radiation

You've sent passengers on wild goose chases around the terminal on purpose

If when you go on regular vacation you're lost on how to pack your bag for something other than a trip.

Beat me to it.

Can pack for a 5-6 day reserve stint in 30 seconds. Go to visit somebody over a weekend and forget stuff.

If you are an FO, people have asked you, "So do you actually get to fly?"

You have heard of someone stealing the batteries out of the hotel tv remote to put in their anr headset...

I KNEW that was true!

You spend as many nights a month in hotels as you do in your house but have not accumulated any more rewards points in a decade.

People ask you if you drink before/while you fly. Or passengers actually look in the cockpit and say, "they look sober."

you're a pax airline pilot if more than half of the people you work with are bitter and constantly complaining about the company/industry but don't have the pair to quit!!!!!!

This is the most I've laughed since the Milk Man Chronicles... I guess I'll add to the fun:

...while waiting at the gate for your bird to arrive inbound, you know to review your Dx paperwork someplace OTHER than the very convenient counter at the gate, for fear of the usual questioning.

...when you still roll the dice and utilize the gate counter, your peripheral vision can see them approaching from 50 yards away. You conveniently perpetuate a convincing facial expression to justify making a dash to the jet way and waiting it out until the coast is clear or a gate agent arrives.

...when commuting, you prefer taking the jumpseat over the last cabin seat to avoid contact with too many immune system threats. The crew understands and welcomes you... usually.

...following a subpar landing you're somewhat embarrased about, once blocked in at the gate, you take as long as possible to run the shutdown checklist, clean up all your cockpit trash scattered around, empty your spitter, finish an earlier discussion with the other pilot, review anything that seems pertinent, and even check the peephole to assure all have disembarked and any negative pax commentary on your landing is avoided; the cockpit door stays closed until this is assured. The FAs understand why.

...you feel you have the greatest landing ever and secretly look forward to a multitude of "nice landing" complements to boost your feeble pilot ego, only to not receive even one.

...you hammer one on and still get a "nice landing" complement, but secretly wonder if they meant it or were just sarcastically messing with you.

...you know the "Happy Birthday" prank.



I'm sure I'll think of more as this current stint of RSV presses on...

... you have a mental list of boring occupations that don't invite any questioning. You use these instead of "airline pilot" when asked what you do in social settings in order to avoid the standard responses.

... you're one of the few people in the country that can fly for free, and one of the last people who wants to.

... your neighbors never really get why you're always home when you shouldn't be (tuesday afternoons) and never are home when you should be (saturday mornings).

... when giving driving directions, you always use "north, south, east, west" and trying to give them in "left, right" instead takes significant thought.

... you actually don't like the taste of Biscoff cookies.

... you're in the only employee group at the airport that doesn't frequently have neck tattoos.

.... after enough years of carrying "self loading cargo", you just don't care how your landings are.

When your flying on a nice clear day, you look down on a few golf courses and think "Man, I wish I were golfing today".

Then the next time your golfing, you walk up to the first tee box, see an airliner flying overhead and think to yourself: "Suckers! I'm golfing!"

• When people ask you how you are doing, you reply, "living the dream" and spend the rest of your day trying to convince yourself it is true.

• You mentally make fun of your neighbor the accountant, who you think is "the most boring man in the world." One day you find out how much he makes and then are conflicted.

• You refer to your FAs by the cabin altitude needed before you would find them attractive (e.g. "whoa, we got a 20,000 footer on board..." or "oh my gosh, finally, a sea-level beauty.")

• You change your callsign to 1234-"heavy" depending if a particular FA is on board. She also subconsciously enters into your V-speed calculations. You swear that you have to adjust trim when she does cabin service.

• You thought "Airplane!" was a documentary.

• Toward the end of a long haul your 15,000 foot purser is now down to 5k, and this worries you.

You proudly display your crew bag with your NRA sticker, vote Republican and call it socialism, the ones who want the same healthcare that you are entitled to.

You might be an airline pilot if......

.....you are a grown middle aged man but you still have to request permission to go to the bathroom when you are at work....

......you've ever been waiting outside the hotel for the van in the dark at 0430 waiting to start your day while watching drunken partiers stumble down the street as they finish their day....

....you've ever read the dispatch paperwork at the podium to find you've been given the jet with several bizarre and intricate MELs, the destination WX is near mins and right at that moment, a guy in an ill fitting cheap sport jacket comes up to introduce himself and before he says a word you know who he is and who he works for and think...."Awww crud, not today!"

I guess I'll try one
You may be an airline pilot if you thank people for their patience knowing damn well that they don't have any.

After eating a rare meal at home, you instinctively place your napkin over your dirty plate and silverware, turn around, and place them on the floor behind your chair.

And you know you're married to a flight attendant if he or she enters the room and immediately trips over them.

Haha! Excellent.

Are you describing yourself?

If you patiently explain to your family that going somewhere so you can sleep in a hotel and eat in a restaurant is not really "getting away from it all"...

You have a wife that wants to go on vacation as soon as you get home and all you can think of is the couch the lawn and espn.