Told to me by another pilot, overheard going into DFW one night.

Female ATC: Airline123 descend and maintain FLxxx.

Airline 123: Descend FLxxx pilots discretion.

Female ATC reams the pilot: DESCEND NOW! IF I WANTED YOU TO GO AT PILOTS DESCRETION, I WOULD HAVE SAID.......BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Huge pregnant pause, dead quiet.

Finally an unidentified voice says: Was I married to you once?

Flying out of San Juan P.R., I say leaving out of 10,ooo (in an ATR 72) "Center , any chance direct anywhere?" Center; "Yea, your cleared direct to JFK" (Not my destination) Me "Well sure thats actually home for me, If you can arrange some inflight fueling?"

Heard over NY Center at night, in the early 90s, "I'm SOOOO High". Center "A/C calling Center, say numbers?" Response "I'm not that high"

At my old flight school we trained students from several large Chinese Airlines. Our airport would get so busy in the traffic pattern that tower would go crazy. One night I was in the traffic pattern with several other planes from my school and a chinese student I'll call Zhang. Zhang was out on a night solo. Apparently Zhang thought he was the only one in the pattern because he cut us off once, didn't respond to several ATC instructions, and then Zhang got lost somewhere on upwind/crosswind, so tower had to vector him for every leg, downwind, base, and final. To make things worse after his landing "controlled crash" he even got lost on the ground. he wanted to taxi back for another round. Tower told him "NO you STOP and turn your engine off, I've had enough of you and your little games", they called our school for a tug to come tow him back.

This was back in maybe the mid 80's, I was working in dispatch and about 5AM while monitoring ATC I heard an Airborne Express YS-11 climbing out of Wilmington (ILN) on the freq. This was in the dead of winter and mod to sev icing was all over the ohio valley and the female controller was asking for pireps. I heard her ask Airborne "ABX 221 are you on top?" and the pilot on the radio comes back with " Naw..We are in and out" Everyone in the dispatch office heard that and busted out laughing. To this day I don't think either one of them realized what they had said.

When I was an FSA instructor, I heard this around PBI.

GA pilot: Palm Beach Approach, do you have time for a question?
ATC: Sure, who was the second president of the United States?

Also there was an foreign student doing touch and goes at VRB.
ATC: Piper 123, what are your intentions?
Student (in broken English): I want to return to China and become an airline pilot.

Happened on my first night flight without adult supervision (Instructor Pilot onboard). Crewdawg was just a pup of an aircraft commander in 52's out of Carswell AFB. I was # 2 of a night 2 ship formation. After finishing with night air refueling, I looked to the left and saw what I thought was lead. So as a good a/c, I got right into postion behind lead (1 mile in trail and 500' above). Well, after about 1 minute, FTW ATC calls (with chuckling being heard in the back ground)

"Lugar 12, would you like vectors to your lead. He's 55 miles to your north. You are behind AA XXX, a 727, and he would really like to climb to a higher altitude"

Needless to say, the Dawg took vectors and scampered away ( asking what the hell happened to my nav's) to the north with his tail tucked between his legs.....

After sitting in line on the ground in Ohare for over an hour, we were finally like #5 for takeoff. An AE ERJ was 3 in front of us.

Twr: AEagle XXX, your next for takeoff, taxi up and hold short.

AEagle: Uh we need another 2 miniutes.

Tower: By the time you take off, it will be 2 minuites.

AEagle: (in a cocky voice) Not by our watch, we will only have 1:15 secs.

Twr: Ok, do you see that big open space to your right?

AEagle: Uh, yes

Twr: Go ahead and taxi over there for me, youre now #34 for takeoff

AEagle: Nevermind, we dont need the 2 miniutes anymore

Twr: United XX, cleared for TO as soon as the eagle erj gets out of your way.

I was throwin tears like a sprinkler system laughing so hard after that.

On the way to Philly one afternoon:

AmericanXX: American XXX, FL310

Center: Uh, American XXX, they accidentally sent you to me, contact XXX Center on 12X.XX

AmericanXX: I dont know you anymore

Center: Did someone say something?

a long time ago when I was a student pilot I opened a vfr flight plan with our afss. After I opened a flight plan I was getting flight following with atc. about 20 minutes later, atc tells me that lansing (flight service) called asking about you. I changed over to lansing and I inquired about what happened. It seems they messed up my etd and etd. Well after we fixed that.. the guy tells me .. "ok, we'll release your dog, he's free to go" .. not really thinking i said.. "alrightt" and then he comes back and says "now.... say something nice to us now..." and i said "thank you"

not the best, but i thought i was kind funny since it was my second solo xcountry. long time ago