cactusmike

We were going into LAS one day and had been following a Champion 727 for a while on frequency. The NFP (non flying piloto) talking on the radio had the highest, squeakiest voice I'd heard in some time. All was well until they had to start down. LA center gave them several clearances and she screwed each read back at least once. Finally, after the last clearance mistake some one came on and said " honey, please put daddy back on the radio".

My other ATC story was my own fault. I had been bumped back to the right seat of the 737 during Ch 11 and was on about my 3rd trip as F/O. We were going from LAS to SAN late at night - the 2 am arrival. Even though I should have known better, when center gave us FL 280 for a final I suggested to the Captain (fairly senior dude) that we pop on up to FL 370 for a better fuel burn (you know, the old ballistic arc theory). He said "sure" and away we went. Well, it's a short leg and we were cleared direct PGY with the expectation of the LOC 27 approach. I went off center to get ATIS and company and when I got back I noticed we were 70 out of PGY still at FL 370. About that time center came on and asked if we were going to start down soon. The Captain said OK so we commenced our descent at a leisurly 300 kts. I had the FMC prog page up and I had the arrival points properly sequenced and we were showing about 5000 feet high on the profile. Not wanting to further distinguish myself I elected not to say anything about our profile (mistake number 2). We switched to approach and got clearance to "direct swatt, join the loc for 27 and say, cactus, are you going to be able to make the approach?" The captain said sure so I dutifully replied the same. Welll sure as sh## we crossed the FAF high and fast. The wx was the usual marine layer at 1000' agl with good vis underneath. Problem was we didn't get under that layer until about 1 mile off the end of the runway, still doing about 180 kts. (about 7 miles out the captain finally started to work on getting the ship down). Tower asked if we were going to make it, I asked for a right 360, it was denied and captain said "go around". While we were climbing out on the go I made my PA to the pax and told them "ATC kept us too high on the approach". We were switched to departure and given a heading and new altitude for another approach. He then asked "what did you tell the people?". I said "say what?" He said " I just wanted to know what you told the passengers, the last time I was on a flight and we went around the pilots blamed ATC". I said, "we blamed Southwest for being on the runway". "Oh, OK, then". He vectored us around and switched us to tower for an uneventful approach and landing. As we cleared the runway tower said "taxi to the gate, use caution for Southwest". I looked around in vain for anything else moving on the airport at 2 am and said, "what Southwest?" "The Southwest jet you went around for". The captain just laughed at me.

MSRVPILOT

That has got to be one of the funnier ones that I have heard in a long time..


GREAT ONE

calcapt

Heard it myself. Taxiing out of Newark for 22R departure. American is calling for taxi clearance from the south end of the field. At the same time a Hooters Air 737 is just ahead of AA.

American: Ground, American 123 taxi with whatever....
Ground: American do you have the orange 737 just ahead?
American: Affirmative
Ground: American, follow those hooters to the runway.

And believe it or not in a very professional and unflappable manner:

American: Roger, following those hooters wherever they go.

calcapt

One more: LAX Civet arrival to 25L. LAX approach is always busting your balls - faster, slower, faster again etc... As a new captain going into LAX years ago I was determined that the controllers were not going to micro-manage my flight this day. I was at 190 and Flaps 1 eight or nine miles out and was told by the controller to hold 230 to 5 DME. Frustrated, I told my FO to say "unable". He did and without missing a beat the approach controller came back with "let me know when you are ready to copy holding instructions"? I quickly assessed our options and picked the speed up to 230. We are now able to comply the FO replied. Great, the controller replied - switch to the tower now and have a great day...So much for my commanding captain theory.

captuz

Flying into PHL I was the NFP and picked up ATIS November (N) not realizing it was departure ATIS. I checked in with information November with PHL approach. The female controller (in a slightly perturbed voice) responded "verify you have ARRIVAL (her emphasis) information Zulu". Without missing a beat I replied "If I turn it sideways it looks like a Z".

FLightle

edited.....

747classic

On the ramp at JFK, a foreign guy is calling for the clearance.
With a major re-route, the tower reads him the full route, all the way to europe.
The guy, who obviously didn't write any of it down, tries to read it back from memory.
When he's done, the tower goes "not even close..."

crewdawg52

Over California one night about 15 years ago

Air Force XXX: "LA, AF XXX requesting Fl 510
LA CTR: 15 sec pause "UUHH, AF you can have FL 510 if you can get up there.
AF XXX: "Roger LA, decending to FL 510"

etflies

I was listening to JFK Ground a while back and a Comair CRJ called asking to copy their IFR clearance. It went something like this:

Comair 123: JFK Ground, Comair 1234 ready to copy IFR clearance to XYZ
JFKGROUND: Comair 1234, no can do, I can't do that

*silence*

JFKGROUND: Juuuuuuuuuust kiddin with ya Comair 1234, here you go...


I thought it was funny, and I can only imagine the Comair pilot's face when he heard that.

RedeyeAV8r

This was around 1993.

Remember the story when former President Bill Clinton was visiting Southern Californa and was getting ready to Depart LAX aboard Air Force 1 and he was getting some personal grooming performed on the taxiway.

(For those of you who have never flown into an Airport where Airforce is operating, they ground stop all civilian traffic or send all airborne traffic into holding patterns indefinitely)

About 3 weeks Later I was flying into CLE Hopkins............Guess who was there visiting in Air Force 1?

Cleveland Center was vectoring everyone into holding patterns....................

CO XXX asked center "what the expected delay was"...............................

Center came back with "How long can you hold"

COXXX without a pause said " It depends on if the President is just getting a trim or the full service"............

......................You could have heard a PIN drop on center Freq for about 1 minute