I heard this one second hand years ago. The controller had directed the crew to expedite their descent. After deciding that they weren't complying, he said something like, "I told you to expedite your descent". The reply was, "We are already comming down faster than a Bonanza full of Doctors here".

Didnt hear this one my self, but I have been told about it.....
A lufftansa A340 was blocking traffic on the ramp in boston one day, and the controller said for the lufftansa plane to move.
The lufftansa pilots responded: We cant we are missing 3 passengers.
A pilot from one of the other planes said: Did you check your ovens!

Than it went dead silent, no body said anything.

The Brits have supplied some good ones:

"Speedbird XX, you didn't make the noise-abatement turn!"
"Oh, dreadfully sorry. Send the bill to the Queen."


"Speedbird XX, can you cross XXX below FL250?"
""I suppose so, but I'm afraid we cahn't bring the aircraft down with us."

Heard this today. Not the funniest, but good. Controller is working both ground and tower and I hear this after I check in for a full stop.

"FlexJet XXXX, cleared to the Toronto airport as filed eh? Maintain 5000, expect 370 in aboot 10. Departure frequency 123.45 eh?"

Man, I laughed.

In Saudi......"Everyone shut the $#@^!(&* UP. Dont talk unless talked to"

From a Saudi controller

Oh, thats a pretty rough statement and I am not even Jewish...

Didnt hear this one my self, but I have been told about it.....
A lufftansa A340 was blocking traffic on the ramp in boston one day, and the controller said for the lufftansa plane to move.
The lufftansa pilots responded: We cant we are missing 3 passengers.
A pilot from one of the other planes said: Did you check your ovens!

Than it went dead silent, no body said anything.



Incredible...Thats one of the most offensive things I've heard. Nothing at all funny about it...

_LA

I was an air traffic controller in the Air Force at Eglin AFB in 1989. I had just got my pilot's license. The night prior a coworker and I had seen the B52's in concert in Pensacola. The next day I was up buzzing around in a C172 Returning to Eglin I checked in with Eglin approach. I spoke to the guy I went to the concert with on frequency. He instructed me to contact Eglin Tower at the Love Shack on 119.0.... Nice.

I didn't know who it was, I'd heard the story in the mid 80's when I was in San Diego going through Anti-Submarine air controller school. But it's a good one.

ATC: "Herky 20, follow the Malev Fokker"
New Co-pilot: "Roger, we'll follow the Mother Fu*@er!"

TRUE!:mad:

Not me, but I've heard.
ATC: "United heavy XXX traffic at 12, a Fokker f100, 5000'"
UNITED: "I've waited my whole life to say this, We have the little fokker in sight"

Oh come on - The LH post was so bad it was funny.

We where on final into GNV on time and a fellow air shuttle (mesa) had maintenance problems leaving more than three hours late. But anyways they where cleared for takeoff we saw them lift off and about 150-200 agl the plane banked sharply to the right.

Tower: Air Shuttle do you have an engine failure?

Air Shuttle: No, we almost hit a fu@$ing terradactyl.

Air Shuttle: (after a good minute) Sir do you have a phone number for me?

Tower: Laughter (no words for some time) no, no that was so funny the other two guys are still rolling around on the ground. Air Shuttle contact departure good day.

Air Shuttle: Thanks good day.

Talked to the Capt. a couple of days later had a thrust reverser disagree eicas message aborted takeoff earlier. My Capt. and I had this perplexed looks on our faces when we heard the F bomb. :eek:

I did not hear this one so I don't know if it's true.

When Eastern went on strike an Eastern jet with some scabs was taxiing around an airport when the controller became very busy and frustrated with all the chatter and blocked transmissions. He said, "Everyone stop! Nobody move until I straighten this out." After a moment of silence someone says, in a tattletale voice, "Eastern moved."

Going into PSC one sunny saturday afternoon - empty - dispatch allowed us at the last minute to overfly and go on to ALW. When we terminated the approach, the tower asked us if we were going around and my F/O said - "Nah. we saw the women, we're going to Walla Walla"

I had a student who, when visiting the Class D tower for the first time, was asked after landing to "say parking". Before I could give him any advice on how to reply he hit the mic button and said: "Parking."

taxiing in IAH last year, ground tells us to follow the "Large RJ" (E170) right to left. My fo responds..."roger, follow the "Jumbo Shrimp."

He didn't pay for a drink the rest of the month.

Mookie

Hey thats my story you a$$!


Any way...
Tower: Navy 123 have you lost and eng... oh never mind I see you have already ejected.

SWA 123: Center, any chance direct ABC?

ATC: Sorry, can't give it to you today. But I have good news.

SWA 123: Oh yeah, what is it?

ATC: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GIECO.

SWA: That's pretty good. Sounds like you're in a good mood.

ATC: No, but I did stay at the Holiday Inn Express last night.

We were going into LAS one day and had been following a Champion 727 for a while on frequency. The NFP (non flying piloto) talking on the radio had the highest, squeakiest voice I'd heard in some time. All was well until they had to start down. LA center gave them several clearances and she screwed each read back at least once. Finally, after the last clearance mistake some one came on and said " honey, please put daddy back on the radio".

My other ATC story was my own fault. I had been bumped back to the right seat of the 737 during Ch 11 and was on about my 3rd trip as F/O. We were going from LAS to SAN late at night - the 2 am arrival. Even though I should have known better, when center gave us FL 280 for a final I suggested to the Captain (fairly senior dude) that we pop on up to FL 370 for a better fuel burn (you know, the old ballistic arc theory). He said "sure" and away we went. Well, it's a short leg and we were cleared direct PGY with the expectation of the LOC 27 approach. I went off center to get ATIS and company and when I got back I noticed we were 70 out of PGY still at FL 370. About that time center came on and asked if we were going to start down soon. The Captain said OK so we commenced our descent at a leisurly 300 kts. I had the FMC prog page up and I had the arrival points properly sequenced and we were showing about 5000 feet high on the profile. Not wanting to further distinguish myself I elected not to say anything about our profile (mistake number 2). We switched to approach and got clearance to "direct swatt, join the loc for 27 and say, cactus, are you going to be able to make the approach?" The captain said sure so I dutifully replied the same. Welll sure as sh## we crossed the FAF high and fast. The wx was the usual marine layer at 1000' agl with good vis underneath. Problem was we didn't get under that layer until about 1 mile off the end of the runway, still doing about 180 kts. (about 7 miles out the captain finally started to work on getting the ship down). Tower asked if we were going to make it, I asked for a right 360, it was denied and captain said "go around". While we were climbing out on the go I made my PA to the pax and told them "ATC kept us too high on the approach". We were switched to departure and given a heading and new altitude for another approach. He then asked "what did you tell the people?". I said "say what?" He said " I just wanted to know what you told the passengers, the last time I was on a flight and we went around the pilots blamed ATC". I said, "we blamed Southwest for being on the runway". "Oh, OK, then". He vectored us around and switched us to tower for an uneventful approach and landing. As we cleared the runway tower said "taxi to the gate, use caution for Southwest". I looked around in vain for anything else moving on the airport at 2 am and said, "what Southwest?" "The Southwest jet you went around for". The captain just laughed at me.

That has got to be one of the funnier ones that I have heard in a long time..


GREAT ONE

Heard it myself. Taxiing out of Newark for 22R departure. American is calling for taxi clearance from the south end of the field. At the same time a Hooters Air 737 is just ahead of AA.

American: Ground, American 123 taxi with whatever....
Ground: American do you have the orange 737 just ahead?
American: Affirmative
Ground: American, follow those hooters to the runway.

And believe it or not in a very professional and unflappable manner:

American: Roger, following those hooters wherever they go.

One more: LAX Civet arrival to 25L. LAX approach is always busting your balls - faster, slower, faster again etc... As a new captain going into LAX years ago I was determined that the controllers were not going to micro-manage my flight this day. I was at 190 and Flaps 1 eight or nine miles out and was told by the controller to hold 230 to 5 DME. Frustrated, I told my FO to say "unable". He did and without missing a beat the approach controller came back with "let me know when you are ready to copy holding instructions"? I quickly assessed our options and picked the speed up to 230. We are now able to comply the FO replied. Great, the controller replied - switch to the tower now and have a great day...So much for my commanding captain theory.

Arrival/Departure ATIS
 

Flying into PHL I was the NFP and picked up ATIS November (N) not realizing it was departure ATIS. I checked in with information November with PHL approach. The female controller (in a slightly perturbed voice) responded "verify you have ARRIVAL (her emphasis) information Zulu". Without missing a beat I replied "If I turn it sideways it looks like a Z".

edited.....

On the ramp at JFK, a foreign guy is calling for the clearance.
With a major re-route, the tower reads him the full route, all the way to europe.
The guy, who obviously didn't write any of it down, tries to read it back from memory.
When he's done, the tower goes "not even close..."

Over California one night about 15 years ago

Air Force XXX: "LA, AF XXX requesting Fl 510
LA CTR: 15 sec pause "UUHH, AF you can have FL 510 if you can get up there.
AF XXX: "Roger LA, decending to FL 510"

Funny radio calls
 

I was listening to JFK Ground a while back and a Comair CRJ called asking to copy their IFR clearance. It went something like this:

Comair 123: JFK Ground, Comair 1234 ready to copy IFR clearance to XYZ
JFKGROUND: Comair 1234, no can do, I can't do that

*silence*

JFKGROUND: Juuuuuuuuuust kiddin with ya Comair 1234, here you go...


I thought it was funny, and I can only imagine the Comair pilot's face when he heard that.

This was around 1993.

Remember the story when former President Bill Clinton was visiting Southern Californa and was getting ready to Depart LAX aboard Air Force 1 and he was getting some personal grooming performed on the taxiway.

(For those of you who have never flown into an Airport where Airforce is operating, they ground stop all civilian traffic or send all airborne traffic into holding patterns indefinitely)

About 3 weeks Later I was flying into CLE Hopkins............Guess who was there visiting in Air Force 1?

Cleveland Center was vectoring everyone into holding patterns....................

CO XXX asked center "what the expected delay was"...............................

Center came back with "How long can you hold"

COXXX without a pause said " It depends on if the President is just getting a trim or the full service"............

......................You could have heard a PIN drop on center Freq for about 1 minute

Told to me by another pilot, overheard going into DFW one night.

Female ATC: Airline123 descend and maintain FLxxx.

Airline 123: Descend FLxxx pilots discretion.

Female ATC reams the pilot: DESCEND NOW! IF I WANTED YOU TO GO AT PILOTS DESCRETION, I WOULD HAVE SAID.......BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Huge pregnant pause, dead quiet.

Finally an unidentified voice says: Was I married to you once?

Flying out of San Juan P.R., I say leaving out of 10,ooo (in an ATR 72) "Center , any chance direct anywhere?" Center; "Yea, your cleared direct to JFK" (Not my destination) Me "Well sure thats actually home for me, If you can arrange some inflight fueling?"

Heard over NY Center at night, in the early 90s, "I'm SOOOO High". Center "A/C calling Center, say numbers?" Response "I'm not that high"

At my old flight school we trained students from several large Chinese Airlines. Our airport would get so busy in the traffic pattern that tower would go crazy. One night I was in the traffic pattern with several other planes from my school and a chinese student I'll call Zhang. Zhang was out on a night solo. Apparently Zhang thought he was the only one in the pattern because he cut us off once, didn't respond to several ATC instructions, and then Zhang got lost somewhere on upwind/crosswind, so tower had to vector him for every leg, downwind, base, and final. To make things worse after his landing "controlled crash" he even got lost on the ground. he wanted to taxi back for another round. Tower told him "NO you STOP and turn your engine off, I've had enough of you and your little games", they called our school for a tug to come tow him back.

This was back in maybe the mid 80's, I was working in dispatch and about 5AM while monitoring ATC I heard an Airborne Express YS-11 climbing out of Wilmington (ILN) on the freq. This was in the dead of winter and mod to sev icing was all over the ohio valley and the female controller was asking for pireps. I heard her ask Airborne "ABX 221 are you on top?" and the pilot on the radio comes back with " Naw..We are in and out" Everyone in the dispatch office heard that and busted out laughing. To this day I don't think either one of them realized what they had said. :)

When I was an FSA instructor, I heard this around PBI.

GA pilot: Palm Beach Approach, do you have time for a question?
ATC: Sure, who was the second president of the United States?

Also there was an foreign student doing touch and goes at VRB.
ATC: Piper 123, what are your intentions?
Student (in broken English): I want to return to China and become an airline pilot.

Happened on my first night flight without adult supervision (Instructor Pilot onboard). Crewdawg was just a pup of an aircraft commander in 52's out of Carswell AFB. I was # 2 of a night 2 ship formation. After finishing with night air refueling, I looked to the left and saw what I thought was lead. So as a good a/c, I got right into postion behind lead (1 mile in trail and 500' above). Well, after about 1 minute, FTW ATC calls (with chuckling being heard in the back ground)

"Lugar 12, would you like vectors to your lead. He's 55 miles to your north. You are behind AA XXX, a 727, and he would really like to climb to a higher altitude"

Needless to say, the Dawg took vectors and scampered away ( asking what the hell happened to my nav's) to the north with his tail tucked between his legs.....

After sitting in line on the ground in Ohare for over an hour, we were finally like #5 for takeoff. An AE ERJ was 3 in front of us.

Twr: AEagle XXX, your next for takeoff, taxi up and hold short.

AEagle: Uh we need another 2 miniutes.

Tower: By the time you take off, it will be 2 minuites.

AEagle: (in a cocky voice) Not by our watch, we will only have 1:15 secs.

Twr: Ok, do you see that big open space to your right?

AEagle: Uh, yes

Twr: Go ahead and taxi over there for me, youre now #34 for takeoff

AEagle: Nevermind, we dont need the 2 miniutes anymore

Twr: United XX, cleared for TO as soon as the eagle erj gets out of your way.

I was throwin tears like a sprinkler system laughing so hard after that.

On the way to Philly one afternoon:

AmericanXX: American XXX, FL310

Center: Uh, American XXX, they accidentally sent you to me, contact XXX Center on 12X.XX

AmericanXX: I dont know you anymore

Center: Did someone say something?

a long time ago when I was a student pilot I opened a vfr flight plan with our afss. After I opened a flight plan I was getting flight following with atc. about 20 minutes later, atc tells me that lansing (flight service) called asking about you. I changed over to lansing and I inquired about what happened. It seems they messed up my etd and etd. Well after we fixed that.. the guy tells me .. "ok, we'll release your dog, he's free to go" .. not really thinking i said.. "alrightt" and then he comes back and says "now.... say something nice to us now..." and i said "thank you"

not the best, but i thought i was kind funny since it was my second solo xcountry. long time ago