SR-71 to center "Request FL 600". Center to SR-71 "How long will it take you to climb to FL 600?". SR-71 to center " We would like to DESCEND to FL 600".

Corp. Jet N????, Teterboro Clearance, Cleared to Van Nuys via Teterboro five Parke J6 bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla lba bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Corp Jet: Sir, I don' t understand we filed direct, obviously that is not direct. We can go higher, if we go higher, can we get direct?

TEB Clearance: Sir, this is New York, you can't go direct to anywhere.

Corp Jet: Oh, OK.

TEB Clearance: You need your clearance again, don't you?

Corp Jet: Um, ah, yeah.

*Van Nuys used to represent a far away place, I can't remember where it actually was.

Back in the early 90"s. Coming into JFK you hear the tower call Command 123this was a shorts 330.
JFK: Command 123
CMD; Go ahead tower
JFK: I dont know how to tell you this. but I need you to slow up, or you are going to catch upto the Concord.

This happened to me about 6 months ago while we were being vectored for approach to runway 22 at AMA:

Amarillo Appch: Lakes Air 790 slow to 250kts. (The 1900 Vmo is 248kts)

My CA: Uh Lakes Air 790 indicating 220kts.

AMA Appch: Lakes Air 790 I show you doing 300kts, slow to 190... (big sigh) disregard, Lakes air 790 you're 60kts faster than the F-16 3 miles ahead, turn left heading 130 vectors for runway 31.

My CA: (laughing) roger 130 and kill the afterburners!

"Frontier 421 cleared for the visual" . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Frontier 421, the airport is rapidly passing off your right" . . ."Frontier continue present heading for resequencing"

A friend who instructs told me of a student he once had. The student was on his second or third flight ever and the instructor told him to contact ground for clearance. He told the student, "Tell ground who you are, where you are, and what you want to do, and the atis information." The student pauses for a second to rehearse in his head and then keys the mic and says "ground control... this is Jake... I'm in prescott arizona and want to get my private pilots license... with the atis information." ATC comes on freq laughing and says "Jake who is your instructor?" Without hesitation the student keys the mic and in the background you can hear my friend yelling at his student to let go of the mic key.

True story, and if you didn't catch it, Prescott Arizona is home to the world's finest flight school, Embry-Riddle.

Sundowner 88L, report on downwind under the large solar reflector
 

A friend of mine was flying into an airport one night in the 1980s, and there was traffic in the pattern. He asked them what their position was--to which came the reply---

We're out here under the moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A former Shorts pilot told me about flying a white painted Shorts "Skypig" with brown trim. His rock bottom day as a pilot was when ATC told traffic behind him to "follow the white Shorts with the brown streak."

"Ground, Cessna 34M, we had a golf ball land just feet in front of us!!"

"Cessna 34M, is it a Titleist??"

"Uuh, um, I'm not sure"

...silence for a few seconds...

"Cessna 59V, use caution for a golf ball just ahead on delta, possibly a Titleist"

"Roger, 59V, we will play it through"

Just heard this one last week.

"Ft Worth Center, can you clear to somewhere?"

"Do you have the thee letter identifier for that?"

Correction, Daytona Beach, FL. Prescott being the red-headed step child.

In Daytona Beach, we had a Riddle kid (solo) take off from a taxi way when he misinterpreted the ATC instruction (loose paraphrase) "Riddle 123, runway 7L, Echo intersection, cleared for takeoff." After a few more inquiries and a few more replies the student was certain that ATC wanted him to take off on Echo taxiway. He did, and the rest is history....

more ATC recollections to add
 

Number 1
On a crystal clear beautiful blue fall day in the 90’s, Kansas City Center queried a Aero Commander freighter as to being R-Nav equipped. The Commander pilot replied “negative but we are vector equipped”. Center then issued a heading and said when receiving xxx VOR proceed direct.

And another
This past spring, ground control at Washington Dulles had aircraft backed in a line 15 to 20 aircraft long for departure. When asked by a commuter pilot for the reason for the delay, the controller stated in a stern tone on ground frequency “We got into a P***ing contest with Potomac approach and approach won. Everybody expect indefinite delays”. After this transmission, there were no more questions asked.

Destined to become a classic!

Student took off solo from RDU to their practice area. After an hour or so practicing stalls, steep turns, and the like, he picked up the most recent ATIS and headed back to RDU, unaware that his ID placard fell off sometime during his maneuvering.

Student: Approach, Cessna... <pause> Approach, Cessna... <pause> Approach... this is Mike... with Sierra for full stop.

Approach: Hi, Mike... this is Sam... straight in for 23L, altimeter 30.12... and once you're safely on the ground, why don't you plan on giving ol' Frank a call.

SR-71 stories are always impressive, if nothing else. Following is a good one I heard from an Air Force crew chief who had worked on them, as told from the pilot's vantage point.

Most people think that no matter how fast you go, you always want to go faster; but that's only true to a point. More than once, I've looked out ahead of the sled and seen a speck way off in the distance that quickly transformed into a blurred image of a weather balloon zooming down our right side. Thankfully, we weren't flying a half degree more to our right. In any case, we do go fast.

I remember listening to radio traffic on LA Center's frequency when a light single innocently asked Center for his ground track. After a momentary pause, Center replied, "November 1234A, showing you at... an impressive 138 across the ground."

Well, guys being guys, it wasn't but a second before a twin called up and asked for his speed. "November 5678B, showing you at 195."

Not to be outdone, a Navy jet called up and asked for his. "Vixen 34, showing you at 394."

It was then that I heard the all-too-familiar click of the VHF trigger in the back seat. "Center, Aspen 20, ground track, please." There was a long pause before the reply, "Aspen,... one thousand, seven hundred thirty eight."

The moments following that transmission were the quietest I can ever remember on LA's frequency.

Overheard in Charlotte on ramp's freq, Lufthansa's 767 at the gate is notoriously in the way all the time. All other traffic was being held because they were starting to push when they stopped because they were missing a passenger. They said they had looked every where to no avail.

Eventually someone came on the radio and said "Did you check the oven?"

Needless to say Lufthansa was furious and demanded to know who said that!

One of the most off color and horrible jokes I've ever heard but I died laughing for about 15 minutes. Silly Germans.

I was flying with one of our more "colorful" captains one day and was waiting to get cleared for the visual approach into PHL. The approach cont. (who was female) ask us: "PDTXXX call the field". The captain proceeded to get on the mike and shout "HERE, FIELD, FIELD, FIELD...COME HERE BOY"

THe controller got a kick out of it.

Heard this one from my CFII flight instructor. He's coming into the field on an IFR flight plan talking to approach. He says he would like a contact approach. Approach replies "sioux 29 you are on with approach". Then the CFI replies "we would like a contact approach...it's like a visual approach" Approach replies "sioux 29 you are already on with approach, understand you would like the visual." CFI says "Negative, we'd like to cancel IFR."

Hilarious
 

These posts are too funny. AirlinePC is truly the place to be!

"Cactus XXX cleared ILS RWY 11L confirm localizer intercept"
Cactus XXX ( womans voice) UUUUUHHHHMMMM I dont know, does it matter? we have the field in sight ,giggle.
Another time I was flying formation with my boss in 2 Caravans enroute from Libby to Sky Harbor when the weather began to deteriorate. He hollered for an IFR clearance and got it ,I wasnt so lucky( any of you who fly around there know that if there is a cloud within 20 miles of PHX that all hell breaks loose with the Phoenix Tracon and delays insue)so I was descending below terrain to maintain VFR while trying to get a clearance.I was at 4,500 ft and the MEA in that area was 8000. Center says they wont clear me unless I can get to 7000.Then my boss pipes in, thinking that he is on the discreet freq when he is really on center, and he says " Cassaundra, just climb to 7000 and get the clearance, screw those guys"
Complete silence.
Center comes back with "last reported say again"
Silence....

It's only about 70 NM between FL Tech and Riddle in Daytona Beach, so needless to say there's a little rivalry. Coming into MLB from the north one day I'm waiting for a Riddle guy to finish his rather lengthy request for a full stop-taxi back departure to the north. I (finally) get to talk to tower and receive this "FIT 01 enter left base over the interstate for 9L, you're following a Cessna on a 3 mile base - report the enemy in sight" "Roger tower, we have the enemy and are ready to engage". I've never seen a Cessna get outta airspace so quickly in my life...

Back when PDT used to fly the Shorts, it was notorious for climbing very badly, especially heavy.

One day after take off ATC asked if they could increase their rate of climb. The captain responded, "Negative, its hard to climb with a big load in your Shorts..."

I was with one of my primary students, he was pretty good on the radio but pretty thick for the most part. Anyhow there is a Notam on the Atis about an unmanned rocket launch 7 miles south on the 220 radial of the VOR.

In his infinite wisdom my student makes his initial call on the ground. Lanc., ground this 41980 west ramp, information ROCKET LAUNCH. They didn't skip a beat and cleared us to the active runway but you could hear the tower cab erupt in laughter.

The other day I was flying a straight in to White Plains with a CommutAir Beech 1900 sequenced behind us. The spacing must have been tight because the tower asked the the Beech to keep his pattern "slow and square". With out missing a beat I jumped on the radio and said "Well it is a Beech!" Tower thought it was funny.

SharkyBN,

You go to FIT? What year are you in? - I used to go there...

Lax

PvtJet holding short for T/O: "Tower, I can't remember but are we allowed to take off from those chevrons over there?"

Tower: "Do what you want."

My Colleague in an aircraft behind mine on final: "I wouldn't want to be in YOUR plane."

LaxRox -
Graduated 2004 workin' as one of their ACI's while I sit in the pool at CHQ. I'd PM you but according to APC I'm not that cool yet.

SharkyBN584,

Thats cool dude (dudet?) I left there in 2004 (winter semester) and moved back home and finished my degree. Hit me up on AIM if you have it - CRJpilot4ASA - if you have time...maybe we know eachother!?

Lax

Transmitted over the tower freq: "Ah ladies and gentleman from the flight deck. I'd like to welcome you onboard flight 1234 to CMH. The weather in CMH is light winds, clear skies and a tempature of 75 degrees. It is a short flight and we are expecting some bumps along the way, so we will keep the seatbelt sign on through-out the flight. Thank you for choosing XXX Airlines for your travel needs today. It looks like we will be number one for takeoff, Beth be seated for departure."
And at that point I realized my goof. The tower complemented me on a nice little speech however.

I am not sure what is more embarassing long term... Making a PA to ATC or Climbing to 350 with the PAX...

ATC might rag on you for a few minutes, but the FA could let you have it for the rest of the trip!! :)

Was on my way home---Stinson Field in San Antonio---from the north, VFR, with flight following. ATC called traffic at my 12 to 1 o'clock, 5 miles, maneuvering at 1,000', just south of the Tower of Americas, also headed for Stinson, an airship. It was a clear afternoon and visibility was great, so the airship was an easy spot. With Stinson and my traffic in sight, they cleared me down to 2,500'.

Just as I'm starting my descent, a Cessna---also headed for Stinson, but from the west and much closer to Stinson AND the airship---makes the following call:

"Approach, Cessna 1234A... I've got Stinson now, but I still don't see the airship."

Approach, without missing a beat, says to ME:

"N8702T, would you like to turn back north and land International instead?"

Uh......I don't get it.

That's probably happened to everybody. Fortunately it's harder to accidently transmit to the PAX on most airliners...on the CRJ you have to move three seperate switches. I think it's designed that way to make it hard to unintentionally include that PAX in your cockpit conversation about sex, booze, and FA's on the last layover...

Airships are huge. If she couldn't spot it, I suspect the controller figured---correctly---I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her until she was... oh nevermind...

BTW, are you by any chance blonde? <kidding>

I think it's designed that way to make it hard to unintentionally include that PAX in your cockpit conversation about sex, booze, and FA's on the last layover...


Pilots really talk about that stuff in the cockpit?

-LAFF

Only when both of us are awake or we're not working on the sudoku/crossword puzzle...

And its usually durring sterile too.

Hmm I get the other thing now. And no Im not blonde or a chick. I guess I did walk into that tho.

Sterile cockpit... that's when the guy your flying with is a neat freak and wipes everything down with an alcohol swab, right?

Haha no I think its in that short pause (Im talking seconds) in your convesation about how drunk you were last weekend so the other guy can say 80 knots v1 rotate. Then back to how good that long island was.

Going to Vegas on Ted.

Captain: "Any chance direct fuzzy?"
ATC: "Negative, the MOA is hot, only participating target aircraft allowed."
Captain: "Well, what do we have to do to participate."
ATC: "Uh..No, negative, that was just a joke sir."
Captain: "I was hoping you would let us dogfight some of those F-16's"