In Newark taxing out.

Delta: "Ground, Delta 123 we need to do a crossbleed start and we don't want to blow the little RJ behind us."

Continental Express RJ: "Ground, tell Delta they can blow us!"

In San Jose, CA area. SJC tower is having a hard time communicating with foriegn language type solo student pilot who was trying to enter class C airspace.

Tower: "Cessna 123, say your intentions."

Cessna: (in broken English) "I want to be a private pilot."

I've never done that.... today.

:rolleyes:

Guy called ATC to report a bird strike. Among the several questions the controller asked him was, "Where exactly did you hit the bird?" His reply was classic.

"Near as I can tell... right in the head."

ATC: "Southwest XX, you have traffic, 11 oclock, 2 miles, C-130"
Southwest XX: "We have the Four Fans of Freedom in sight!"
ATC: "Evac XX, the traffic has you in sight"
Evac XX (C-130): "Roger, I have my future employer in sight!"
Southwest XX: "Standby to copy my phone #!!!"

Great way to network!!!!

Couple years ago while i was instructing touch & Gos in the pattern my student was to request a full stop but it didn’t come out exactly as rehearsed:

Student: Prescott Tower, Riddle 21 request a "Permanent Landing".

I was dead laughing...

Tower came back: So you want a permanent landing huh?; ok You are Cleared for the Option Runway 21L don’t make it too "permanent" Bonanza is in trail.

FIT 05 grad here



Anyway, flying from MLB to LAL a few months ago with Orlando Appch. The controller (a lady) was getting worked pretty hard.

Cessna123: Orlando Approach, Cessna 123 wants, uh. wants flight following.

Orlando: Cessna123 say type, destination, altitude, and present location

Cessna123: uh. 172 west of Bartow going to Daytona.

Orlando (obviously frustrated): Roger, Cessna123 SAY ALTITUDE

Cessna123: Altitude

Orlando: Ok, let's play that game, Cessna123 say 'Cessna123 remaining Clear of Orlando Class Bravo' and have yourself a good day


I about lost it!

A heavy American jet had just made an unusually long landing at SJC, causing another jet to go around.

Tower: "American 123, exit at the end of the runway, if unable proceed down 101 and take the Guadalupe parkway back to the airport"

Someone: Center, do you have the score in the World Cup?

Another pilot: Does anybody care?

About two people then on the frequency chimed in to indicate that they did care.

"Flagler Traffic...Cessna 123...taking the active 11....Flagler"
Smart *ss-" Wher you taking it?"
HAHAH

In a 172 at KMCO.....holding short of the active as a thunderstorm is about to roll in. As i called up ready for takeoff.....a southwest 73 reported windshear and possible microbusrt activity on the departure end. So tower doing the right thing asks the delta triple seven infront of me what his intentions were? Smartly, the heavy along with everyone behind him said they were going to shut down an engine and wait it out. THEN to my embarrassment....tower asks me my intentions and if i still wanted to depart!?? HAHAH def heard a few laughs on the radio for that one! Thanks!

I heard about this in 1990 when I worked at JFK and that it happened at JFK. The flight had to return to the gate because they were missing 3 passengers........

Supposedly DLH was really peeved and demanded the Port Authority pull the ATC tapes and they tracked the voice down to a TWA F/O who was fired but not sure if that is really true.

That wasn't funny at all. He / she should have been fired for that...

-LAFF

chicago app: United 123 do you have the runway in sight.

United 123: I don't, but my first officer does.

Chicago app: United 123, your f/o is cleared the visual.

ATC: Aircraft XXX contact departure
AC XXX: Schlong, you have a nice one

--------

ATC: Aircraft XXX position and hold runway 18L
AC XXX: Pull it out and hold it 18L

--------

Going into an airport where you have to back taxi in order to get full lenght a colgan SF340 came in and laid on the brakes and put the props in deep reverse to turn off....at the intersection we were holding at. They started to turn when tower came on "uh, colgan xxx you are gonna have to go down to the next one. That one is obviously not available"

A good weather report..
 

Didn't happen to me, but a funny story from a guy I used to fly C-141's with at Travis AFB...

Flying into Diego Garcia, the crew called in to the weather shop there for an update. They were given the winds, temperature and pressure altitude along with the note that "towering cunilingus were observed over the airfield." Imagine their disappointment on arrival when all they saw were large, white puffy clouds :(

Two more I forgot about....

Student: Um....ground....we are ready to taxi...vfr...key west....
Ground: Roger, if you're going to be taxiing the whole way suggest US 1...if you're going to takeoff first you can go ahead and taxi to Runway 5

And the other...the aircraft in front of me apparently had a radio malfunction and after a couple failed calls finally switched comms and reported this:

A/C: Tower, how do you read??
Tower: Left to right, top to bottom, how about you?

Good 'ol MLB controllers have the best sense of humor;)

Lax

I see other's have posted something similiar but I can't resist.

FPR airport.

There was an airplane on approach and the student pilot had a heavy foreign accent.

Tower told him to go missed and then in a very frustrated voice asked, "Warrior XYZ, what are your intentions."

Warrior XYZ, heavy accent "My intentions are to be a commercial airline pilot."

I was laughing so hard we had to land so I could go use the restroom!

VRB airport.

Warrior XYZ " Tower there's a turtle on the taxiway."

Tower "Warrior XYZ understand turtle on taxiway Bravo."
Tower "Warrior ABC, use caution there's a turtle on taxiway Bravo."

Warrior ABC "Turtle in sight...Uhh...Tower, Was he cleared to cross because he's headed for the runway?"

it's my understanding that turtles live exclusively on airport property in Florida...I've heard the same thing (differently worded) at MLB too...

Classic. Guess ATC wants them to go! home!

Not really ATC, but one of the instructors has put a couple funny messages on our GPS units.

"Insert $.25 to continue recieving RAIM" and I got this one on a practice approach today "Haha, made 'ya look" :)

Just heard this on liveATC.net:
JFKtwr:" 31left, position and hold."
AirXXX: "Are you higgy?"
JFK: "Nah! Higgy's much louder. He's the loudest one up here!"
XXX: "Yeah! Will we notice when he comes up?"
JFK: "You can't overhear him!"
XXX: "Will we miss him?"
JFK: "Maybe..."

They both burst out laghing after this! The dudes are in a real good mood there today! I've heard them joke around all the time...


EDIT: After XXX took off and was told to contact departure, they told JFK to say hi to Higgy...:D

Freakin' funny. LMAO!!!!!! That's the funniest thing I've heard in ages.

Collecting posts? If you continue on like this, you'll have 100 by tonight! You would have to laugh alot, with that big of an a$$...
(In case your post was not ment to be ironical, forget it...)

heres one..... a few years ago I was at DFW and being a big, big airport, it is not uncommon to get a coyote or a dog on rwy. A dog... a coyote... maybe a big hazzard, and maybe just maybe, you could catch one. So, this pilot calls in that a cat is on 18L. After a long pause, the controller said "ah, what do you want me to do about it?" To which I responded "Quick, somebody call the Korean Air catering truck!"

But the funniest story I've heard is... back in the 70's a Brittish Airways pilot was in Frankfurt. The frankfurt controllers are notorious &&%$(#(@ and the speedbird pilot had obviously made a small area with a Taxi instruction. After reading the speedbird pilot the riot act, he said with a sarcastic attitude, speed bird haven't you ever been here before? Without missing a beat he responded "yeah, once... about 30 years ago but I didn't bother to land"

The bombs away message was loud and clear.


The dumbest thing I've ever said.....
at DFW told to taxi forward about 20 ft to make way for an aircraft taxiing behind me. I move forward to where I guess 20 ft was. Obviously not as far as the ramp controller thought 20 ft was. He gave us a hard time for it and since our copilots do the communications, my female first officer stumbled through an apology. the controller came back with yet another remark. So I responded, "give her a break, I've been trying to convince her what 12 inches looks like for 3 days!"

While holding short behind a student pilot at HPN he was cleared onto Runway 16 but was heading 340......looking at the "short" runway when he was cleared for take-off he responded to twr "OH BOY".......Twr then told him to turn around........

So I was just listening to JFK tower:

An American pilot ready to push calls tower instead of ground..

To which the tower controller replies:

"American XXX You've got to call ground before you can talk to me, but if you saw the ground controller you wouldn't want to talk to him anyway"

Flying in the pattern at GFK and landing runways 17R/L

GFK: Sioux XX cleared for the option 35R
Sioux XX: uuh, tower do u mean 17L
GFK: negative, cleared for......disreguard, cleared for option 17L
Sioux XX; roger
GFK: Sorry bout that, I went to the Elmer Fudd of air traffic control......also known as Embry-Riddle
Sioux XX: amen to that

I miss those GFK tower guys already!

My favorite GFK tower moment came while flying touch and goes alone in the pattern over a holiday weekend:

Tower: "Sioux 853, how many more landings are you planning?"

Me: "Uh, I dunno sir, it's a nice day and we have the plane for a few more hours"

Tower: "Okay then- I working alone right now... Think you can handle yourself while I get a cup of coffee?"

Me: "Sure thing"

Tower: "Roger that. Sioux 853, cleared for continuous options, any runway, until further advised."

Me: "Woohoo!" (not totally conscious of my student keying the mic)

Tower: "That's how I feel too!"

best forward speed
 

Its early morning and were at FL330.
Were number 5 or 6 in line going into ORD.
ATC comes on the radio and request best forward speed from an American plane that was leading the pack......here is the dialogue that followed:

ATC requests, American 1234, give me best forward speed
male pilot responds, "American 1234 we have it balls to the wall!"
ATC request traffic following, United 5678, give me best forward speed
female pilot responds, "We'll I can't give you balls to the wall, but I have it wide open!"

Now that was quick thinking

typical weekend warrior
 

Flying into Bradley-Hartford-Windsor Locks this weekend, we hear the floowing request...

Cessna: Departure, Cessna XXX would like to request flight following.
BDL Departure: Cessna XXX, state your position
Cessna: Uh... We're currently just about over the Foxwoods Casino
Departure: Thats great, but where is that in relation to the Bravo Delta Lima VOR?
Cessna: Um.... uh... we're currently... uh... 15 southwest of the airport.
Departure: Jetlink XXX do you have the airport in sight?
Jetlink: Uh, where is it in reference to the casino?

Is that for real? She sure would be a cool chick to fly with.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

dude i almost put pee-pee in my Hanes on this one....

On a recent flight from BKK to the Middle East and while over India in the HF enviroment, I had to have fun with the name of a reporting point..
The name of the point is "URKOK" and it is near Mumbai.. Well at 3 in the morning, I pronounced the point the way I thought it sounded..

In my position report I said, "We are currently on top of "your ****".. When the other pilot was hunched over laughing, I started to laugh.. Trying to compose myself, I continued to say "and be advised, it is very rough going over your ****.."

He was not amused, but we were.. he he

When I was instructing back in Elmira we had a controller that was very laid back. He sounded kind of like the guy who does the voice for Garfield the cat. Anyway, one evening I pulled up to the hold short line and damn if the wasn't a Coyote standing right on the departure end of the runway.
I called the tower and said:

"Tower, just thought you might like to know, there is a big old Coyote on the runway."

Without hesitation, he replied:

"Don't stick your arm out the window. Cleared for takeoff."

Becareful on those Coyote departures, we lost a plane in Watertown when the crew hit one at night just prior to V1. Folded the nose gear under on a Beech 1900. Whoops!