I've had "Its Miller Time" come up on my GPS

Works with Deer and E3's too http://www.strangepolitics.com/images/content/11322.jpg

Flying around southern california I've heard the following. Not really as funny as the rest here but maybe will put a smile on your face.

SOCAL APP: "United XXX, you're following a heavy airbus, 3 oc'lock, same speed as you"
United XXX:"We're looking for the big bus!"


Some other time, early in the morning at LAX:

Ground controller: "Eagle flight XXX, follow the Brazillia to runway 24L"
Eagle Flight XXX:"We'll follow the RJ, runway 24L"
Ground controller: "Yeah.... follow whatever it is..."

An another occeasion, over one of the municipal airports in L.A.
Money (I believe) forgot to check in with previous airspace and has now checked in with this airports airspace, controllers are already ticked off...

Then he goes

Money XXX: "Ahhh, sayyy tower, what's my groundspeed?"
Tower: "Money XXX, you appear to be indicating 150 knots"
Money XXX: "ahhhhh 150 knots ya say? what's that in MPH?"

Again, not the funniest, but worth mentioning.....

Haven't heard it yet, but want to hear a crew respond to the controller's a-chewing for not responding to repeated radio calls with: "I was on the landline"

Years ago, flying into KLAX, I heard a controller advise a Braniff flight to look for traffic "an Arava" (it was built by the Israelis and looked kinda like a C-119 and I'm not positive about the spelling) at their 12 o'clock. The Braniff guy says, "What's an Arava?" Before the controller can answer this little voice comes up on the freq and says, "It looks like a monkey f___ing a football." There was dead silence for probably 30 seconds or so. When the controller finally answered there was a lot of very hysterical laughter in the background.

While the recent World Cup games were being played, a number of Foreign Carriers kept asking if anyone had any scores (123.45 over the North Atlantic) Someone then asked about the Nextel Cup, another the Americas Cup, another the Stanley Cup and another the Ryder Cup. Finally a female voice says "Het Guys, what about a D-Cup"

You spelled it perfectly! Funny thing is, the pilot's description is right on the money! That's what it looks like.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/he/d/d2/Ara.jpg

Yeah? Not the pi$$y guy who, at 2300 with no other traffic in the pattern, chastised me for landing long (missed the turnoff and had to taxi down the runway) with "next time you are going to chew up 6000 feet of a 10000 foot runway, let me know so I can plan accordingly!"

And I have to tell on myself...

I was practicing approaches at SRQ the other week and was planning on returning to SPG after terminating the current approach by going missed. For what ever reason, tower guy clears me to land and instead of fixing it in the air, I accepted the clearance and landed. After turning off the runway and switching to ground the guy tells me to taxi to Dolphin, one of the FBOs on the field. I was turned around and generally discombobulated after the unexpected landing. Even though I had been to that FBO several times, I had it in my head that it was on the other side of the airfield and so stammered through a series of exchanges in which I told the ground guy I wanted to taxi back to 32 at Alpha. He asked me to say intentions and I (I swear) replied "I wish to depart on 32." Dumba$$. My CFI almost wet herself and has been giving me crap about it for the past two weeks. Great...and I'm about to do my commercial checkride. Heaven help us.

when i had just got my pvt license, was on a trip into the bravo when i heard something like this.

MCI APP: "United xxx climb and maintain 13 thousand"
(no response)
MCI APP: "United xxx did you copy?"
(no response)
MCI APP: "United xxx how do you hear this frequency?"
United XXX: "Whoops, was hitting the wrong button, sorry about that approach"

Then today, we got an akward taxi instruction from ground control at a delta airport (military/civil) which was going to make us back-taxi, not thinking much of it we did as we were instructed. As we were taxiing we recieved this call.

Gnd: "Seneca 18X, St. Joe Ground"
(after thinking, "crap" what'd we do")
Seneca 18X: "18X go ahead"
Gnd: "Yeah, 18X, what's with the big Jack-ass on your tail?"
Seneca 18X: "Come again?"
Gnd: "Yeah, you've got a big ass on your tail, what's that all about?"
Seneca 18X: "Well, we go to CMSU."
Gnd: "And?"
Seneca 18X: "Well, our mascott is the Missouri Mule"
Gnd: "Ah, roger, ass on the tail, 18X contact tower on 126.9"

My response would have been "I was cleared for all of runway xx, not the first half of runway xx. Next time tell me otherwise"

That's exactly what my CFI was biting back in the right seat. I haven't reached the point where I think I know enough to "talk back" to ATC.

I think it kinda started when DAB APR told me to expect 9R at MLB, so when I checked on with the MLB TWR guy and he said 9L, I questioned whether he meant 9R. I didn't care one way or another, but I had been told to expect 9R, so just assumed the TWR guy misspoke. It was a long way to be taxiing, burning up fuel and Hobbs!

Holding short for an extented period of time the capt transmitted accidentally, "Im so fuc ing tired", ATC responded "WHO SAID THAT?!!?" the capt replied "I said I was tired, not stupid"

MLB tower does kind of have people around there trained to think they have to ask for the whole runway.

Don't get me wrong though, if someone is behind you it is the curtious thing to get off the runway when able because that is what everyone else is expecting. It would be an @$$holeish thing to intentionally occupy the runway for much longer than needed causing someone behind you to go around. This doesnt mean you have to make a short field landing, slam it on, and nail the brakes so hard you flat spot your tires to make that turn off at 400' down the runway because someone behind you or in the tower failed to plan propperly.

The problem presented by an argument with ATC is that they decide when you get to move, and when you have to wait for a clearance.

Just remember to pick your spots. Don't "talk back" when you still need something from that controller or if you can be easily identified. A good trick is to have the pilot who hasn't been on the radio (ie CFI, PF, etc) make the smart-ass remark and hopefully the controller will think it was another aircraft. Sometimes controllers do bonehead things just like we do. Most controllers have a good sense of humor and don't get bent out of shape when you call em on something.

anything that usually follows " Air Shuttle " or " Shuttle Craft " some of these guys are in the giddy stage of SJS and are really irritating.

Also, this skywest moron asked , after ATC had closed ALL southbounds....." awww com'on sir.....we just came from that way it wasnt that bad.....we can make it....let us go!" I really felt bed for the passengers on that plane!!! Thats what you get from a 2 year upgrade......moronic and UNSAFE behavior like that....sad

One of my favorites was when a Skywest CRJ asked for progressive taxi at ORD because the crew had never been there...

Well, that's better than stopping....

Not really funny, more stupid than funny...

I had departed the pattern at my untowered airport but was still listening to the freq. Another CFI came out with a student and didn't hear anyone in the pattern (I was gone and no one else was making any calls) so they called that they were taxiing to rwy 19 (the calm wind runway, winds were 040@3). That is when another plane, who hadn't made any radio calls yet, called base for runway 01. The other CFI waited for the plane to do a touch and go, then called "Departing ACTIVE runway 19, straight out". A slight confrontation insued with the other traffic in the pattern, the other CFI stated that the calm wind runway was 19 not 01 and the winds were calm by definition. The other traffic (just now turning downwind) stated that the active runway was 01, despite the winds, because "THAT IS WHAT I AM SET UP FOR!!" Needless to say, we are in need of a tower. This type of thing happens fairly often.

Some people can be such tight wads with rules. Yes, the other guy should have been using runway 19 if thats the calm wind runway. But at an untowered airport with aircraft using another runway, that other runway, by definition, becomes the active runway. Sure, advise the other traffic that in calm winds they should use runway 19 because they may not be familiar. Is it that big a deal if they want to use runway 01 (The winds were favoring it after all. Can you really tell windspeed accurately when you are looking at a windsock? I don't trust automatic weather stations implicitly.)? If they couldn't work out a compromise, the best course of action would have been for the CFI and student to use runway 01 and avoid the potential conflict rather than get into a pis$ing match on the CTAF with another pilot. You're right: not really funny, just kind of stupid. Remember, there is nothing in the FARs, the AIM, policies or procedures that precludes the use of common sense.

Thats because common sense is not so commen.

THATS actually pretty smart!

Not really heard on the radio or funny, but a great story:

I was overnighting in binghamton, ny and in the morning went down stairs for the van. There were all of these cops around and I asked what was going on and the guy working the desk told me they were investigating an "incident" that happened last night. I overheard a cop talking and he kept mentioning a "first officer" and that he had questioned him. I thought that it might be one of our (pdt) crews got a little too rowdy last night.

When we got to the airport the station manager told us that all morning the cops had been trying to arrest this Northwest Airlink captain and kept missing him. They finally caught up to him AFTER they had the plane fully boarding, and the cops proceded to pull him out of the flightdeck and arrest him on the spot.

We had a bunch of their passengers going out and I really had to contain myself from making an announcement that I would probably regret, something like "Thanks for flying Piedmont Airlines, where we don't get caught"

Ever find out what they wanted to arrest the guy for?

nope .

Hahaha...
That controller is one of my best friends...

other classics made by or to him...

while working gnd

sioux 22 on wrong comm: "Practice area charlie. Sioux 22 is in the northwest corner of the practice area at 3500. any traffic please advise, charlie."
Gnd: "I've got sioux 55 and sioux sioux 87 taxing on bravo and sioux 96 holding short of 26 on alpha."

again working gnd one night during the world series.

mesaba: hey gnd. you guys got a score for the game?"
gnd: "sure. the yankees lost!"
mesaba:"oh... "
gnd:"ya... I guess steinbrenner didn't write enough checks."
(I was cryin)

and working tower.

Sioux 57: "GFK tower, sioux 57. Do you have time for a question?"
Twr:"go ahead."
Sioux 57 in best special ed voice:" Tower, Do you like jello? YAY!!!!"
twr: (several attempts to talk through laughter. all fail.)

He had some other really good ones, but I can't remember them right now. :D

Thought I'd bring this back to the top, see If I can keep the thread alive:D

Only funny because things turned out okay:

Heard on MIA center:
female crying (fc): I wanna talk to Harold!
MIA:Calling Miami, say again
fc: I wanna talk to Harold!
mia: ma'am, this is MIA center, who are you and who is Harold?
fc (still sobbing): I'm Jane. Harold is my flight instructor
mia: okay Jane, can you tell me where you are?
fc: I dont know where I am, thats why I wanna talk to Harold!
mia(soothing voice): okay Jane, its okay. I'm gonna help you. Can you tell me what you see?
fc: all I see is white!

long story not so long, MIA gort her out of the clouds and vectored her down.

My firt time in ORD after landing I contacted gnd and reported clear of the active, taxi to gate xx "unfamiliar." The controller said, "You see that American MD-80?" "Afirm," I replied. "Follow him, I'll call your turn." came the response.

I was flying from RIC to ORD in an EMB 145. Upon landing a passenger said he was going to turn us into the FAA. He said he had an altimeter watch and according to it we never got above 8,000 feet. He said we definitely busted the 250 knot rule for flight below 10,000 feet because we got to ORD way too quick. I introduced him to our FAA jumpseater giving us a line check.....

HAHA thats great.........

That's one of the funniest ones i've read in this thread. But more than that, what an @ss clown for even having the nerve to say something to that pilot. Gotta love people who think they know a damn thing, and are willing to question a professional doing his job. Bet he felt like an idiot when he was corrected and the FAA happened to be there!

Diplomacy
 

Since this thread has crept over to "funniest thing heard from a passenger", here's another one. One night, a flight attendant came into the cockpit with a message: "This little old lady in back says to tell the Captain he needs to raise the cabin pressure." I told her to go back and reassure the lady that we had double-checked and everything was operating quite normally. When I was saying goodbye to the deplaning passengers, here came the little old lady with an angry scowl. She snapped: "TWA always raises the cabin pressure for me!" I mentally saluted my TWA colleagues, who had probably sent back the much better message: "Thank you ma'am--we'll raise it immediately!" ;)

pressurization
 

You gotta love those passengers! Go explain to them that cabin altitude is maxed out at 8K.... hahaha....

Though it's nice to see the altimeter watch is working correctly ;-)

Altimeter watch.... lol!!! :D

Sorry, those things, and the people who wear them really make me wonder about the current status of the gene pool.

... anyway, I'm off to run some numbers on my E6B watch! :p

OK, I got back to BGM and found out the rest of the story. Apparently, when the crew got to the hotel that night, the captain said something to the bellboy that pi$$ed him off, and I mean really pi$$ed him off. After the crew went up to their rooms, the bellboy called the police and said that the captain had taken him in his room and raped him. So that is what he was initially arrested for. Of course the bellboy was fired after that, but the end result for Pinnacle was six legs of flying cancelled.

Good Joke
 

It's late at night, early morning 2am. I'm flying a Piper Aztec with a student from Chatanooga TN to Morganton, NC. We are talking to Atlanta Center and hadn't heard from them in a while. I asked if they were asleep. She came on and said that we were the only traffic up at that time and all the Notre Dame folks had gone home. Notre Dame football was down to playing GA Tech that night. I asked who had one and she said ND. When asked who she wanted to win she said she didn't care so being from ND I have a shout out to them. She handed me off to the next guy who was just as quiet. I want to get a good one out about ND beating GT. To warm up the controller I asked if he knew any good jokes. He came back with this:

"Sorry guys, the FAA passed a new law that prohibits us from doing stuff like that. It just went into effect yesterday and I could lose my job over it. sorry."

Before I could say anything my student jumps on the radio and says:

"That's a good one!"

--------------

On the clever passenger comments:

Flew into Burbank the other day. The big fires nw of the city were still raging, and we flew through a portion of the smoke plume that had been blown onto the arrival. The cabin got a slight whiff of wood smoke for a few seconds, and some light chop. After we land and park at the gate, the airplane shifted onto one of the main struts a little bit (settles). While one lady was getting off, she accuses us of flying so close to the flames of the wildfire that we melted the tires, hence the settling on the ground! With an imagination like that, I assume she was in town to write screenplays...

What always gets me is the fact that the people think we are doing this crazy sh&t, BUT THEY STILL GO FLYING ANYWAY!