Whats the funniest thing you have ever heard over the radio??
 

So, what the funniest thing anybodies ever heard over the radio? Anyone care to share??

I heard a controller give a Air Guard pilot holding instructions that were pretty funny. He was having trouble with this pilot. I could not hear the UHF but the controller was talking to him on VHF and UHF.

He told the F4 pilot to hold, "NW on the XYZ radial, maintain FLxx and to expect further clearance when you can follow directions!"

Air Shuttle XXXX, cancel approach clearance, turn left heading 150 maintain 4000 .... that one always cracks me up

Funnies
 

ATC to Northwest enroute from Florida to NYC: NW123 turn right 20 degrees for spacing into NYC.

5 minutes later - ATC to NW: NW123 did you turn right or left????

NW 123: ahhhhh which way did you tell us to turn?

Back in 1997 i heard a Gulfstream pilot get the phone number from the tower controller for a date. They'd been flirting for a few weeks over the radio.

Several years ago, flying back to ATL, very early in the morning. ATC: "DAL 1234, decend to FL240." No response. ATC repeats, no response. ATC repeats again, no response. Finally, over the radio, "Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep (an alarm clock), DAL 1234 ATL center, this is your wake up call, good morning."

heard from a friend he heard this over the from the cockpit channel

On a Ted flight about a year ago going into tampa

ATC: Advise when ready to copy holding instructions
Capt: Uh negative we are not holding we want our apr. clearance
ATC: sorry but we are backed up w/ traffic you'll have to hold
Capt: fine then we are declearing minimal fuel
ATC: ok understand you are declaring an emergency?
Capt: no we are declaring minimal fuel...it means we dont have time to deal w/ your bullsh*t holding clearance

after that the "from the cockpit" channel was turned off

Friend of mine was flying Captain of a 727 from A to B. The female ATC controller called them 3-4 times without a response.

She then loudly transmits "Airline 123, are you listening to me?"

He replies "Yes ma'am, we hear you."

She very sarcastically says "I called you 3-4 times and you didn't respond. Listen up!"

Without any delay he comes back with "I'm sorry ma'am, you sounded so much like my wife I was just naturally ignoring you."

A pause of 15 seconds occurs, then a male controller comes on and says "Roger Airline 123, I understand" with laughter in the background. :)

True story as verified by his co-pilot.

Heard a lost pilot talking to ATC in SAN years ago. He was lost and in a panic. The controller asked him to say heading. He replied I'm heading "S" (he said the letter). The controller told him to turn "N" and report XXX in sight.

when some guy was playing "discount airline pilot guy" over the freq. you know one the the bud light's real men of genius guys....http://diis.net/article.php?story=budlight

Back when I was an instructor, one of our school's students was on his first solo cross country when he was asked by ATC, "Cessna XXX, Say Altitude." Without missing a beat, but in an unsure voice, he replied "Altitude!". The controller was not impressed.

CJ

ATC : "Baron XXX where are you?"

Baron XXX (in best Napoleon Dynamite voice) "I was in Alaska with my uncle hunting wolverines!"

I was going into an airport one day in the late 1990's and heard the controller tell a Delta plane to make a right 360 for spacing on a G/A plane. The Delta crew responded, "Do you understand that turn would cost my company $500?" The controller said, "Roger. Delta xxx make a right $500 turn for spacing."

I was flying an Army C-12 in Northern California one night listening to the VHF side of a converstion between ATC and an Air Force tanker. It sounded so good we tuned up UHF to get both sides. What we finally heard from the tanker was they'd like to go to a certain point in space and it was defined as, "...xx miles off of the ABC VOR 3-8-0 degree radial." If that wasn't bad enough, the control responed in kind and gave them the clearance. After 15-30 seconds of silence, I couldn't stand it and had to ask if that equated to the 020 degree radial. No response. Maybe I missed something in ground school?!

Flying into Richmond the other day I heard this:

Traffic was a straight wing Slowtation that had just switched to tower following a Chautauqua ERJ on the visual approach.

"Tower, Citation 1234, visual for 20, behind the ERJ."
"Citation 1234, Richmond tower roger, cleared to land, Runway 20... ahhh you have the ERJ in sight sir? Your indicating 90 knots faster."
"Geeze- and they make fun of us for being slow..."

Overheard this on Indy Center a few years back:

IND: "Delta 1234, contact Cleveland on 123.2"
Delta: "24.2, Delta 1234"
Immediately after Delta's transmission:
IND: "Delta 1234, sorry, I gave you the wrong freq. Should be 132.2, you still there?"
Delta:"Nope, too late!"

Aviation Joke
 

I think that is similar to a famous aviation joke.
"Delta 1234, make a right 360 for spacing"...
Delta responds "Do you know that a 180 costs us $500 dollars!"
"Ok, Delta 1234 give me $1000 dollars worth"

Once upon a time I heard this over ATC frequency in Milton Florida while instead of transmitting to the instructor a student transmitted to the world.
Student: "Sorry Sir that was all ******ed up.
ATC: "Aircraft that just said something say call-sign"
and with out looseing a beat this was the responce.
Instructor:" Roger, he said he was f**hed up, not stupid"

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C-172 requesting the impossible
 

Working for Continental Connection in Florida, in our Beech 1900D and enroute from Tampa to Pensacola, the Captain and I heard a C-172 say something along the lines of, "Hello Jax Center... Cessna N****, just departed Panama City, VFR, requesting radar vectors to North Las Vegas airport..."

Left out of NAS Whiting in Milton, FL to reposition a plane to PNS for weekend operations one lazy & hazy Friday afternoon and as I'm turning direct to PNS, I get this call:

ATC: BlackBird 123, traffic at 11 o'clock, 4 miles, regional jet for 17 vis at Pensacola
Me: Negative contact for BB 123.

After a minute or so...
ATC: BB 123, traffic 11 o'clock, 3 miles, same altitude, regional jet on extended left base for visual 17 at Pensacola.
Me: Negative contact, BB 123. (I did mention it was hazy, right?)

Right away,
ATC: BB 123, traffic approaching your 12 o'clock, 2 miles, same altitude, regional jet, a big white tube with wings and a red and blue tail crossing from your left to right, do you have him in sight?
Me: (Finally seeing him through the haze) Roger! BB 123 has the big white tube in sight! I'll follow him to 17 at Pensacola!

Unfortunately for me, there were at least 5 other instructors on frequency doing the same thing. Needless to say, I STILL get ragged about that one!

A little more on the razzling side...

Flying into a small airport near DAB, we were in a PA-44 doing a practice appraoch into an uncontrolled field...

Approach handed us off, and we made several calls for the straight-in on the GPS app. When we were on about a 3 mile final a Cessna cuts in front of us. I quickly responded that we had the Cessna in sight that just cut us off less than 2 miles in front of us, we'd try to slow down to accommodate (which really isn't that big of an issue to slow down). Immediately he responded, "It's VFR conditions, instrument approaches not in affect here!"

Tower(to flight school 172): Report 2 mile left base for runway 34 left.

172(heavy Jamaican accent): Roger, do you want nautical or statute miles?

Delta 123 there is traffic at 1oclock a 4 miles-report traffic.

Negative contact

Delta 123 that traffic is 12oclock and 3 miles.

No joy.

Delta 123 slow to final approcah speed now, your cleard for the ILS 34R.

(After landing).....Delta 123 we have a phone number for you-ready to copy?

Go ahead

"(555)123-4567"

Delta 123 copies..whos number is this tower or tracons?

Neither..its Pearl Visions!!

Funniest Thing
 

I was flying from Tulsa to Dallas, when I heard a Bonanza check in on Fort Worth Center: Fort Worth Center Bonanza 1234 WITH YOU

(hate that) at 7,500 bla bla bla.

Center comes on and says squawk 0123. After a while the center asks the Bonanza to squawk altitude.

The next transmission I hear is the craziest thing:

Bonanza 1234 confirm squawk please, he replies yes squawking 7500. Center comes on screaming (with bells going off in the background);

Sir, 7500 is the Hijack code, you need to be squawking the code I gave you. You have the whole nation alarmed.

Just after Trans States started flying UAX flights into ORD:

ATC: Waterski XXXX, right turn, taxi Bravo Echo runway 4L

Waterski: Roger, taxi Bravo, Echo 4L
( they then make the right turn onto A instead of B and they find themselves nose to nose with a AA 777 under tow from the hanger)

Waterski: Uh, Waterski, uh, we made the right onto A, what would you like us to do?

ATC: I want you to go away....but that is not going to happen, now is it?

Heard this the other day. Have heard similar calls, but none quite this good.

"Front Range tower, Cessna 1234A, we are over falcon lake, for a full stop landing, with information... ... Ah damn, I'll call you back."

That reminds me of a time I was sitting in a tower as a pvt pilot getting to know my local controllers. Some guy was really getting under the skin of the controller. He was talking too much, blocking other transmissions and generally making a nuisance of himself. When he asked for some departure to the West the controller said, "Cleared for a Bay Meadows departure." Then (after releasing the mic button), "Just get the hell out of my sky!"

"Just get the hell out of my sky."

That's funny. SQL is a funny little airport. You really have to be on the ball, and the more help you can get from the controllers, the better. They usually give you some detailed instructions.
Something like "Cessna 1234A, bay meadows departure approved, no left turn prior to the racetrack, and stay below 1500 east of 101 and south of 92, clear for takeoff, wind 290 at 6."

Funniest transmissions
 

I don't have any. All are really funny, but I must say the one about the female controller sounding like the pilot's wife is hilarious :D :D . I got tears in my eyes from that one.

OK, SOCAL has a freq that covers the San Diego coastline from Point Loma north almost to Dana Point in Orange County. The coastal route is the main North/South corridor in and out SD County...

I was a flight instructor doing air work on a Sunday afternoon off the coast. I was on w/ SOCAL for flight following. A king air checked in, coming down from the north. The king air was based at CRQ, IIRC, and flown by two local young ladies who were well known in the instructor/charter/135 community in SD. They check in, but then the PTT sticks...

For the length of time it takes a king air to fly from San Onofre to MYF, everybody on freq got an earful of what (and who, and how) these girls had done while on layover in San Fran...and it got GRAPHIC..I think I was too shocked to even laugh at the time, but in retrospect it was pretty funny. I'm a guy, but based on that conversation I now believe that size does in fact matter...

I guess SOCAL thought it was funny too, cuz they didn't interupt once...

BAck in '94 while flying E-3's out of Saudi, the Jedda Control literally told everyone over the radio to "Shut UP"! He was awfully busy controling me (E-3), and 4 other airliners. He really got upset when a BA plane called to check in. The Saudi controllers response...."I told evedryone to shut up"!

I remember we were flying over Atlanta Center's airspace a few months back and someone asked for a shortcut. The controllers response was. "We don't take shortcuts here at the FAA". I thought that was funny.

About a year ago flying PHX-SFO on a United 737. We were on final, about 4 miles behind a 747, but since the pilots did not have him in sight, we had to go around. After flying a downwind leg for 30 miles, passing SJC and almost over Monterey, the captain keys the mic and says,
"Approach, United 123, are we gonna have to go back to PHX again before we shoot the approach."

One morning my student and I were taxiing to the runup area. We overheard this conversation between a student pilot and ground control.

Student: Euhhhh Riverside Ground Cessna 1234
RVS Ground: Cessna 1234 go ahead
Student: yeah euhhh I'm on my first solo and euhh when I lower my flaps they go euhh down and come back up an inch, and then go "ert err ert err" (making squeaking noise over radio).
Ground: Cessna 1234 what do you want to do?
Student: euh well euh that's what I'm not sure of, my flaps go "ert err ert err"
Different instructor comes on the radio and tells him to taxi to parking.

that link from budlight, super funny, the baggage handler one is pretty funny

That is the FUNNIEST thing I've read on these boards in a while! :)

Talked with a controller at Denver center and heard some pretty good stories on this topic.

A USAF bomber checked in with a small emergency. His bomb bay doors were stuck open, and he had live ordinance onboard. He was being vectored around populated areas at low altitudes, when he ran into an area of frequent radar disruption.
The controller called and told him, "USAF 123, reset your transponder, squawk 0666."
Pilot: "Ok, our bomb bay doors are open, we're squawking the devil. Good luck."

Another funny one. This guy Jack is the operations manager at Denver center. A pilot once called, "Denver center, is Jack working tonight."
Controller: "aah Jack, he never works!"

Another good one. A few years back the Denver Bronco's were coming back from a loss in the playoff game on the west coast onboard a United charter. The controller took the flight and issued a clearence to the pilot, "United 123, I need you to hold ... until you guys can get your act together."

The story goes: It was a slow afternoon on the freq around socal. Center gets a call from Nxxx requesting FL600. Figuring it was some airline guy being funny, the controller says " If you can get there, you can have it". The guy says " Roger, desending to FL600". It was an SR-71. The freq. got pretty quiet for a few minutes.

It wasn't NXXXX, it was ASPEN 103