The Unfriendly Skies
04-27-2013 | 05:33 PM
#1
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From: 3rd Base for the Indians
The Unfriendly Skies
This is an interesting perspective on our industry... I blame Mismanagement, Pilot Unions, Terrorism, Congress, and the Economy. The worst part is that things will never get better...
Queenan Asks: What if Other Businesses Acted Like Airlines? | Moving Targets - WSJ.com
Today, O'Hare—Tomorrow, the World
By JOE QUEENAN
Last Sunday, in response to the budget sequester, the Federal Aviation Administration began a forced-furlough policy for its air-traffic controllers. Now, to a roster of delayed flights, unexpected fees, farcical movie selections, disintegrating earphones, confiscated honey jars in the shape of cute little bears and cracked elbows caused by injudiciously manipulated beverage carts, the airline industry has added delayed or canceled flights triggered by the federal deficit.
Almost unimaginably, the unfriendly skies have managed to get even less friendly.
What would it be like if other businesses operated on the same principles as airlines? Size 11 shoes would shrink to size 10, then to size 9, and ultimately all the way to size 4. Only first-class pedestrians would be sold shoes that fit them; everyone else would have to squeeze into fraying bootees. Intractable demands by the cobblers' union would be tabbed as the culprit.
Cardiologists would commandeer the public-address system to announce that they had overbooked open-heart procedures. They would offer a free quadruple bypass operation, valid for one year, to anyone willing to cede his place in line to the next customer. If they got no takers, they would offer two bypasses and a 50% discount on the patient's next four stents.
Dentists would announce that until further notice all wisdom-tooth extractions would be conducted without anesthesia, owing to furloughed dental assistants. Psychiatrists would begin offering frequent psychotic-episode plans that they would then refuse to honor due to mysterious restrictions concealed in the fine print of the agreement.
Jockeys whose favored mounts ran poorly at the Belmont Stakes would tell disgruntled bettors that any finish time less than three minutes off the pace was still considered "on-time" according to hippodrome industry standards. Gangsters would almost certainly reject such dubious rationalizations from slow payers.
Quattro formaggi pizzette would be served seven hours after diners ordered it, and no one would be allowed to leave their booth until it arrived. What's more, when it finally came, there would only be uno formaggio. Due to inclement weather, vegan paellas intended for delivery to Beverly Hills would be rerouted to Little Rock, Ark.
Stand-up comics would cancel jokes halfway through their delivery or announce that they had to go back to the beginning of the joke because the punch line was not yet fully operational. Anyone inside a comedy club who complained that the performer had bombed would be arrested.
Visitors to state beaches would get charged for seashells, conches and seaweed; adorable little tykes building castles would have to pay a $25 surcharge for any quantities of sand exceeding five pounds.
Visitors to the multiplex would be informed, "Sorry, we are only offering two selections today: the latest Adam Sandler flop and a vintage Minnie Driver vehicle." Visitors arriving in hotels would find that due to a mix-up their luggage was now in Turkestan. Patrons of Greyhound would learn that the bus needed to circle the station for the next two hours until a gate was available.
Barbers would require patrons to remain in the chair for three hours until the styling tower gave a go-ahead on the golden highlights. Couturiers would make evening gowns whose buttons fell off the first time they were worn. Séances would be abruptly canceled if fewer than a dozen specters showed up. Morticians would make unexpected announcements at funerals: "We know that you have many other options for your journey to the afterlife, and we value your patronage," they would say.
And all customer service personnel would be mean.
Queenan Asks: What if Other Businesses Acted Like Airlines? | Moving Targets - WSJ.com
Today, O'Hare—Tomorrow, the World
By JOE QUEENAN
Last Sunday, in response to the budget sequester, the Federal Aviation Administration began a forced-furlough policy for its air-traffic controllers. Now, to a roster of delayed flights, unexpected fees, farcical movie selections, disintegrating earphones, confiscated honey jars in the shape of cute little bears and cracked elbows caused by injudiciously manipulated beverage carts, the airline industry has added delayed or canceled flights triggered by the federal deficit.
Almost unimaginably, the unfriendly skies have managed to get even less friendly.
What would it be like if other businesses operated on the same principles as airlines? Size 11 shoes would shrink to size 10, then to size 9, and ultimately all the way to size 4. Only first-class pedestrians would be sold shoes that fit them; everyone else would have to squeeze into fraying bootees. Intractable demands by the cobblers' union would be tabbed as the culprit.
Cardiologists would commandeer the public-address system to announce that they had overbooked open-heart procedures. They would offer a free quadruple bypass operation, valid for one year, to anyone willing to cede his place in line to the next customer. If they got no takers, they would offer two bypasses and a 50% discount on the patient's next four stents.
Dentists would announce that until further notice all wisdom-tooth extractions would be conducted without anesthesia, owing to furloughed dental assistants. Psychiatrists would begin offering frequent psychotic-episode plans that they would then refuse to honor due to mysterious restrictions concealed in the fine print of the agreement.
Jockeys whose favored mounts ran poorly at the Belmont Stakes would tell disgruntled bettors that any finish time less than three minutes off the pace was still considered "on-time" according to hippodrome industry standards. Gangsters would almost certainly reject such dubious rationalizations from slow payers.
Quattro formaggi pizzette would be served seven hours after diners ordered it, and no one would be allowed to leave their booth until it arrived. What's more, when it finally came, there would only be uno formaggio. Due to inclement weather, vegan paellas intended for delivery to Beverly Hills would be rerouted to Little Rock, Ark.
Stand-up comics would cancel jokes halfway through their delivery or announce that they had to go back to the beginning of the joke because the punch line was not yet fully operational. Anyone inside a comedy club who complained that the performer had bombed would be arrested.
Visitors to state beaches would get charged for seashells, conches and seaweed; adorable little tykes building castles would have to pay a $25 surcharge for any quantities of sand exceeding five pounds.
Visitors to the multiplex would be informed, "Sorry, we are only offering two selections today: the latest Adam Sandler flop and a vintage Minnie Driver vehicle." Visitors arriving in hotels would find that due to a mix-up their luggage was now in Turkestan. Patrons of Greyhound would learn that the bus needed to circle the station for the next two hours until a gate was available.
Barbers would require patrons to remain in the chair for three hours until the styling tower gave a go-ahead on the golden highlights. Couturiers would make evening gowns whose buttons fell off the first time they were worn. Séances would be abruptly canceled if fewer than a dozen specters showed up. Morticians would make unexpected announcements at funerals: "We know that you have many other options for your journey to the afterlife, and we value your patronage," they would say.
And all customer service personnel would be mean.
04-28-2013 | 03:01 AM
#2
Gets Weekends Off
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 109
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From: CRJ
To be fair I think the consumer brought a lot of this on themselves. Only want to pay $89 to Orlando? That's what you get. As far as delays, wx and equipment with 10,000 moving parts is a factor of our industry many others don't have to deal with. Of course there is still room to improve though.
04-28-2013 | 06:06 AM
#3
Gets Weekends Off
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,629
Likes: 15
From: blueJet
Exactly. The writer forgot to explain how customers are still paying 1970 prices for airline travel.
If those shoes were still 2.99, and that quadruple bypass was $1300 out the door, that haircut was 50 cents, and that fancy Italian food thing was three bucks, then people would still stand in line to get it... Crummy service and all.
If those shoes were still 2.99, and that quadruple bypass was $1300 out the door, that haircut was 50 cents, and that fancy Italian food thing was three bucks, then people would still stand in line to get it... Crummy service and all.
04-28-2013 | 06:12 AM
#4
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Joined: Aug 2007
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Agreed. Everything the airlines have done has been in response to consumer behavior. People can say they care about service and quality all they want, but when it comes to buying tickets, they have shown repeatedly that cost is the only factor that matters. Wanna travel thousands of miles in a couple of hours while watching movies, surfing the internet, and driniking Glenlivet, at ever-increasing levels of safety and ever-decreasing cost? Good luck finding a better method.
04-28-2013 | 06:43 AM
#5
Gets Weekends Off
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 416
Likes: 0
From: I'm Buying
Exactly. The writer forgot to explain how customers are still paying 1970 prices for airline travel.
If those shoes were still 2.99, and that quadruple bypass was $1300 out the door, that haircut was 50 cents, and that fancy Italian food thing was three bucks, then people would still stand in line to get it... Crummy service and all.
If those shoes were still 2.99, and that quadruple bypass was $1300 out the door, that haircut was 50 cents, and that fancy Italian food thing was three bucks, then people would still stand in line to get it... Crummy service and all.
04-28-2013 | 09:25 AM
#6
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Joined: Jul 2012
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From: 3rd Base for the Indians
Exactly. The writer forgot to explain how customers are still paying 1970 prices for airline travel.
If those shoes were still 2.99, and that quadruple bypass was $1300 out the door, that haircut was 50 cents, and that fancy Italian food thing was three bucks, then people would still stand in line to get it... Crummy service and all.
If those shoes were still 2.99, and that quadruple bypass was $1300 out the door, that haircut was 50 cents, and that fancy Italian food thing was three bucks, then people would still stand in line to get it... Crummy service and all.
04-29-2013 | 07:09 AM
#8
Gets Weekends Off
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 514
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From: Left seat of a Jet
To be fair I think the consumer brought a lot of this on themselves. Only want to pay $89 to Orlando? That's what you get. As far as delays, wx and equipment with 10,000 moving parts is a factor of our industry many others don't have to deal with. Of course there is still room to improve though.
No I believe the industry has brought this problem on themselves. The first rule in any business is knowing the segment/market you're attempting to attract. The US airline industry are competing against each other for passengers who otherwise would take the bus. Raise the fares sufficiently and you will see passenger traffic at 1970's level. In the 1970's very few legacy or major carriers in the US had aircraft fleets of a hundred or more aircraft, it was more like 60 to 80 aircraft. You also wouldn't need so many employees including pilots. Careful what you wish for because it may come true.
04-29-2013 | 07:27 AM
#9
Can't abide NAI
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 12,078
Likes: 15
From: Douglas Aerospace post production Flight Test & Work Around Engineering bulletin dissembler
Come and fly Delta. Frankly, the flights I've been on have been great.
It still amazes me that we can zip along at 500 to 550 mph while enjoying a beverage and looking out the window.
Have you driven 10 + hours anywhere lately? I will gladly take the jet instead.
It still amazes me that we can zip along at 500 to 550 mph while enjoying a beverage and looking out the window.
Have you driven 10 + hours anywhere lately? I will gladly take the jet instead.
04-29-2013 | 07:43 AM
#10
Can't abide NAI
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 12,078
Likes: 15
From: Douglas Aerospace post production Flight Test & Work Around Engineering bulletin dissembler
The worst part is that things will never get better...
What would it be like if other businesses operated on the same principles as airlines? Size 11 shoes would shrink to size 10, then to size 9, and ultimately all the way to size 4. Only first-class pedestrians would be sold shoes that fit them; everyone else would have to squeeze into fraying bootees. Intractable demands by the cobblers' union would be tabbed as the culprit.
What would it be like if other businesses operated on the same principles as airlines? Size 11 shoes would shrink to size 10, then to size 9, and ultimately all the way to size 4. Only first-class pedestrians would be sold shoes that fit them; everyone else would have to squeeze into fraying bootees. Intractable demands by the cobblers' union would be tabbed as the culprit.
Cardiologists would commandeer the public-address system to announce that they had overbooked open-heart procedures. They would offer a free quadruple bypass operation, valid for one year, to anyone willing to cede his place in line to the next customer. If they got no takers, they would offer two bypasses and a 50% discount on the patient's next four stents.
Dentists would announce that until further notice all wisdom-tooth extractions would be conducted without anesthesia, owing to furloughed dental assistants. Psychiatrists would begin offering frequent psychotic-episode plans that they would then refuse to honor due to mysterious restrictions concealed in the fine print of the agreement.
Dentists would announce that until further notice all wisdom-tooth extractions would be conducted without anesthesia, owing to furloughed dental assistants. Psychiatrists would begin offering frequent psychotic-episode plans that they would then refuse to honor due to mysterious restrictions concealed in the fine print of the agreement.
Quattro formaggi pizzette would be served seven hours after diners ordered it, and no one would be allowed to leave their booth until it arrived. What's more, when it finally came, there would only be uno formaggio. Due to inclement weather, vegan paellas intended for delivery to Beverly Hills would be rerouted to Little Rock, Ark.
Stand-up comics would cancel jokes halfway through their delivery or announce that they had to go back to the beginning of the joke because the punch line was not yet fully operational. Anyone inside a comedy club who complained that the performer had bombed would be arrested.
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