Best Jokes
12-04-2008, 09:37 AM
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined APC: Nov 2008
Position: Run's one company
Posts: 27
Best Jokes
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
12-04-2008, 02:42 PM
#3
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: May 2007
Position: Some Hotel
Posts: 1,617
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,..................
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's Private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'you know, I Could throw a $1,000 bill out
of the window right now and make somebody very happy, Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the Window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there.' I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 Million people very happy.'
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Santa was loading up his sleigh on Christmas Eve and was greeted by an FAA Jumpseater. He tells Santa, "I'll be riding along giving you your yearly checkride, can I see your weight and balance and certificates?"
"Sure" Santa says, handing over his documentation.
While the JS'er was looking over his credentials, Santa does a thorough preflight, checks on the reindeer and hops in. While they were buckling up, Santa looks over at the FAA jumpseater and says, "Hey, I gotta ask, what is the shotgun for?" the FAA guy looks at Santa, smiles and says, "Well.. you are going to lose an engine on takeoff."
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What does a blonde say after sex?
Are you guys all on the same team?
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,..................
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
------------------------------------------------------
Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's Private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'you know, I Could throw a $1,000 bill out
of the window right now and make somebody very happy, Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the Window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there.' I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 Million people very happy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Santa was loading up his sleigh on Christmas Eve and was greeted by an FAA Jumpseater. He tells Santa, "I'll be riding along giving you your yearly checkride, can I see your weight and balance and certificates?"
"Sure" Santa says, handing over his documentation.
While the JS'er was looking over his credentials, Santa does a thorough preflight, checks on the reindeer and hops in. While they were buckling up, Santa looks over at the FAA jumpseater and says, "Hey, I gotta ask, what is the shotgun for?" the FAA guy looks at Santa, smiles and says, "Well.. you are going to lose an engine on takeoff."
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What does a blonde say after sex?
Are you guys all on the same team?
12-04-2008, 04:44 PM
#5
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Aug 2007
Posts: 143
Q: What's the difference between a first officer and a pizza?
A: A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four
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Whats the difference between a good flight attendant and a great flight attendent?
good one: "Good morning, Captain".
great one: "It's morning, Captain"
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What does the girl from Arkansas say after sex:
Dad get off me, you're crushing my cigarettes
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A pilot dies and is sent immediately to Hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by the Devil in the recieving area.
"OK Captain, you are indeed in hell, but here you are allowed a choice. I'll show you three scenarios; you pick where you spend Eternity"
"Fair enough" the pilot agrees, and off they go.
They come upon the first door, behind which the Devil shows an existence of endless checklists and hounding from FAA inspectors.
"No way..." the pilot pronounces. The Devil shrugs and moves to the next door. Behind door #2 is a cockpit scenario, a nightmarish one at that, full of engine failiures, loss of control situations, the works.
"Not a chance, that's how I got here in the first place. What's Pilot Hell number 3 look like?" asks the pilot.
The Devil throws open the third door to expose another cockpit situation. However, in this one, the pilot is sitting back comfortably, the a/c on autopilot, and several scantily-clad flight attendants providing him coffee and other "services".
"Hell yeah!" the pilot exclaims. "I'm takin' door 3!"
The Devil, confused by his eagerness, peers in the door.
"Ahh, I have made a mistake. This door leads not to Pilot Hell; this is the first door to Flight Attendant Hell
A: A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between a good flight attendant and a great flight attendent?
good one: "Good morning, Captain".
great one: "It's morning, Captain"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does the girl from Arkansas say after sex:
Dad get off me, you're crushing my cigarettes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pilot dies and is sent immediately to Hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by the Devil in the recieving area.
"OK Captain, you are indeed in hell, but here you are allowed a choice. I'll show you three scenarios; you pick where you spend Eternity"
"Fair enough" the pilot agrees, and off they go.
They come upon the first door, behind which the Devil shows an existence of endless checklists and hounding from FAA inspectors.
"No way..." the pilot pronounces. The Devil shrugs and moves to the next door. Behind door #2 is a cockpit scenario, a nightmarish one at that, full of engine failiures, loss of control situations, the works.
"Not a chance, that's how I got here in the first place. What's Pilot Hell number 3 look like?" asks the pilot.
The Devil throws open the third door to expose another cockpit situation. However, in this one, the pilot is sitting back comfortably, the a/c on autopilot, and several scantily-clad flight attendants providing him coffee and other "services".
"Hell yeah!" the pilot exclaims. "I'm takin' door 3!"
The Devil, confused by his eagerness, peers in the door.
"Ahh, I have made a mistake. This door leads not to Pilot Hell; this is the first door to Flight Attendant Hell
12-04-2008, 05:36 PM
#6
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Feb 2008
Posts: 119
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A pilot dies and is sent immediately to Hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by the Devil in the recieving area.
"OK Captain, you are indeed in hell, but here you are allowed a choice. I'll show you three scenarios; you pick where you spend Eternity"
"Fair enough" the pilot agrees, and off they go.
They come upon the first door, behind which the Devil shows an existence of endless checklists and hounding from FAA inspectors.
"No way..." the pilot pronounces. The Devil shrugs and moves to the next door. Behind door #2 is a cockpit scenario, a nightmarish one at that, full of engine failiures, loss of control situations, the works.
"Not a chance, that's how I got here in the first place. What's Pilot Hell number 3 look like?" asks the pilot.
The Devil throws open the third door to expose another cockpit situation. However, in this one, the pilot is sitting back comfortably, the a/c on autopilot, and several scantily-clad flight attendants providing him coffee and other "services".
"Hell yeah!" the pilot exclaims. "I'm takin' door 3!"
The Devil, confused by his eagerness, peers in the door.
"Ahh, I have made a mistake. This door leads not to Pilot Hell; this is the first door to Flight Attendant Hell[/quote]
I heard a slight variation to this joke:
The punishment lasts for 1000 years.
(The door #1 and door #2 scenarios remain the same).
The Devil opens door #3 and reveals a fat, hairy guy in the captain's seat getting "serviced" by a beautiful flight attendant. "Hell yeah!" the pilot exclaims, "I'll take door #3!!!" The Devil then walks over to the flight attendant, taps her on the shoulder, and says "your relief is here!"
A pilot dies and is sent immediately to Hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by the Devil in the recieving area.
"OK Captain, you are indeed in hell, but here you are allowed a choice. I'll show you three scenarios; you pick where you spend Eternity"
"Fair enough" the pilot agrees, and off they go.
They come upon the first door, behind which the Devil shows an existence of endless checklists and hounding from FAA inspectors.
"No way..." the pilot pronounces. The Devil shrugs and moves to the next door. Behind door #2 is a cockpit scenario, a nightmarish one at that, full of engine failiures, loss of control situations, the works.
"Not a chance, that's how I got here in the first place. What's Pilot Hell number 3 look like?" asks the pilot.
The Devil throws open the third door to expose another cockpit situation. However, in this one, the pilot is sitting back comfortably, the a/c on autopilot, and several scantily-clad flight attendants providing him coffee and other "services".
"Hell yeah!" the pilot exclaims. "I'm takin' door 3!"
The Devil, confused by his eagerness, peers in the door.
"Ahh, I have made a mistake. This door leads not to Pilot Hell; this is the first door to Flight Attendant Hell[/quote]
I heard a slight variation to this joke:
The punishment lasts for 1000 years.
(The door #1 and door #2 scenarios remain the same).
The Devil opens door #3 and reveals a fat, hairy guy in the captain's seat getting "serviced" by a beautiful flight attendant. "Hell yeah!" the pilot exclaims, "I'll take door #3!!!" The Devil then walks over to the flight attendant, taps her on the shoulder, and says "your relief is here!"
Last edited by Droog; 12-05-2008 at 08:26 AM.
12-05-2008, 12:23 AM
#8
New Hire
Joined APC: Oct 2008
Position: Fly
Posts: 2
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head st ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica. "
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head st ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica. "
Last edited by ChickandTricks; 12-05-2008 at 12:30 AM.
12-05-2008, 12:35 AM
#9
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Joined APC: Nov 2008
Position: Run's one company
Posts: 27
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had.
So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time. "
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had.
So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time. "
