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A rumor is circulating that the
Delta uniform hat not only has
the ability to unify the pilot group
but also possesses some mythical
power over management.
It has been said that the power
of the hat, if properly used, is
immeasurable. The rumor also
states that the only path toward
contract restoration is through
our hats. Of course, I thought this
statement was ridiculous. The
rumor supposes that if all 12,000
Delta pilots wear their hats at the
same time and recite an incantation
while looking into a mirror,
dreams will be fulfilled.
Being the dutiful union representative
that I am, I decided to
test out this theory. I went into
my bathroom, placed my hat on
my head, and began to recite the
mystical chant three times—
“a Cadillac with a month’s pay,
a Cadillac with a month’s pay, a
Cadillac with a month’s pay.” The
lights flickered and then went out.
Suddenly, the lights came on, and,
to my horror, standing behind me
with an evil smile was a CEO from
many years past named Frank. I
spun around to face him, but he
was too quick for me. He kicked
me in my PCU (parental control
unit), grabbed my hat, and stole
my wallet, all the while laughing
hysterically. I struggled to get to
my feet. I last saw him running
down the street like a crazed
leprechaun, hat in hand, still laughing.
He kept repeating this haunting
phrase: “Pilots are such dumb
asses, pilots are such dumb asses,
pilots are such dumb asses.” The
rumor about the hat was real—
someone’s dreams did come true.

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