vagabond

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told
his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in
the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment,
she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts and
tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

ryane946

What's the difference between a pilot and a jet engine??

The jet engine stops whining when it gets on the ground.

vagabond

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DO NOT show him your boobs! This is a scam!!! He only wants to see your boobs. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!!!
Signed, The Blonde

poppa2trolls

Now THAT'S funny.

tomgoodman

A doctor, a lawyer, and a pilot arrived at the Pearly Gates and were welcomed by St. Peter. He said: "We have only one rule here--DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!", indicating the thousands of little yellow birds waddling about. "The penalty is being handcuffed for all eternity to the ugliest person available." Within a day, the doctor stepped on a duck, and St. Peter immediately arrived and handcuffed him to a very ugly woman. A week later, the lawyer met the same fate; an even uglier woman this time. The pilot was extremely careful, and went six months without a mishap. Then St.Peter showed up and handcuffed him to a gorgeous woman. The pilot was overjoyed: "I got what I deserve!" he shouted. The woman sighed: "Me too. I stepped on a duck."

vagabond

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.




Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Cass

That is choice!

Cass

A woman went to see her family doctor over the issue of her husbands libido, which she wanted to improve. "How about Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"No" said the woman, " He wont even take aspirin"
"Well put this in his coffee, he'll never notice" and the doctor gave her the medicine.
She called him back a week later..
"Oh doctor, it was terrible, oh horrors, oh Lord have Mercy!!!!"
The doctor asked what had happened, perplexed.
"I did as you said, put it in his coffee, the effect was immediate. He stood up and you could see from the front of his trousers that he was ready to go, He swept all the dishes of the table, tore my clothes off, and made mad passionate love to me right there on the table, best I've had in 20 years"
"Isn't that what you wanted?" said the doctor.
"Yes, it was" said the woman, "but how can I ever show my face at Starbucks again?"

vagabond

A minister was completing an abstinence sermon. With great emphasis he
said, "if I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it in the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "and if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." and then finally he said, "and if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The choral director stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, " for our closing song let us sing Hymn #365. "Shall We Gather at the River!"

tomgoodman

Hard to believe these exchanges actually took place! Maybe Vagabond has heard even funnier ones in the courtroom.
__________________________________________________ ________

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.