joke du jour May 31, 2006
06-22-2006, 04:42 PM
#61
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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.
She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time the bus driver asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves?
She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth; they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time the bus driver asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves?
She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth; they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
06-22-2006, 08:06 PM
#62
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signs you have grown up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at3 AMwould severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at3 AMwould severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
06-22-2006, 08:22 PM
#64
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Originally Posted by vagabond
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
06-23-2006, 04:42 AM
#65
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Posts: 62
Originally Posted by vagabond
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
06-23-2006, 10:30 AM
#66
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Joined APC: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,945
I feel pretty pathetic.
I am barely almost 25 and well over half of those apply to me..only a few more years and i will have the whole list
I am barely almost 25 and well over half of those apply to me..only a few more years and i will have the whole list
06-23-2006, 10:35 AM
#67
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Joined APC: Oct 2005
Position: CR7 Capt
Posts: 1,621
Originally Posted by usmc-sgt
I feel pretty pathetic.
I am barely almost 25 and well over half of those apply to me..only a few more years and i will have the whole list
I am barely almost 25 and well over half of those apply to me..only a few more years and i will have the whole list
Me too...
I'm only 21.
06-24-2006, 09:42 AM
#68
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Upon hearing that her grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to to her grandmothers house to comfort her.When she asked how he had died, her grandmother replied " He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning"
Horrified, Katie explained that 2 people nearly 100 years old should never do that. "oh no" replied granny, " many years ago we realized that with our advancing age the best time to do it was Sunday morning with the church bells, nice and slow, in with the ding and out with the dong" She paused to wipe away a tear, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along"
Horrified, Katie explained that 2 people nearly 100 years old should never do that. "oh no" replied granny, " many years ago we realized that with our advancing age the best time to do it was Sunday morning with the church bells, nice and slow, in with the ding and out with the dong" She paused to wipe away a tear, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along"
06-24-2006, 01:39 PM
#69
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I Wish You Enough
When you all read this you will understand why I wish you
enough.
Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their
last moments together. Her departure had been
announced and standing near the security gate, they
hugged, and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."
She said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than
enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you
enough, too, Daddy."
They kissed, and she left.
He walked over toward the window where I was seated.
"Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would
be forever?" he asked me.
"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that, brought back
memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation
for all my Dad had done for me. "Forgive me for
asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.
I am old, and she lives much too far away. I have
challenges ahead, and the reality is, the next trip
back would be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I
wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed
down from other generations. My parents used to say it
to everyone." "When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we
were wanting the other person to have a life filled
with just enough good things to sustain them," he
continued. Then turning toward me, he shared the
following as if he were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit
alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest
joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you
possess.
I wish enough ''Hello's' to get you through the final
'Good-bye'."
He then began to sob and walked away.
My friends and loved ones, I wish you ENOUGH!
enough.
Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their
last moments together. Her departure had been
announced and standing near the security gate, they
hugged, and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."
She said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than
enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you
enough, too, Daddy."
They kissed, and she left.
He walked over toward the window where I was seated.
"Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would
be forever?" he asked me.
"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that, brought back
memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation
for all my Dad had done for me. "Forgive me for
asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.
I am old, and she lives much too far away. I have
challenges ahead, and the reality is, the next trip
back would be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I
wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed
down from other generations. My parents used to say it
to everyone." "When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we
were wanting the other person to have a life filled
with just enough good things to sustain them," he
continued. Then turning toward me, he shared the
following as if he were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit
alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest
joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you
possess.
I wish enough ''Hello's' to get you through the final
'Good-bye'."
He then began to sob and walked away.
My friends and loved ones, I wish you ENOUGH!
06-24-2006, 03:22 PM
#70
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Originally Posted by poppa2trolls
I thought you knew me better than that, dear Ms V.
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