I think the most toolish part: I'm Captain tool and joining me is First Officer collateral and between us we have over 45 million hours of flight time and 2 centuries of flying experience. (Paraphrased to make it sound the way I took it).

No need. You're not a tool for being pi$$ed about the guard shenanigans.

Yes, it would have. I wonder if he would have offered you a ride up front after you shared your judgmental views with him.

Oh please, Mr Tool. You're saying you like every guy you've asked for a Jumpseat. No? Hypocrite.

This has turned into a hillarious conversation. I'm sure there are plenty of us that have occupied the jump seat of captain tool and have been professional enough (and wanted to get home enough) to keep our opinions to ourselves. I've got some epic stories that I'll keep to myself of feeling like a cheap hooker for sucking up to collosal DBs to get home

The Ameriflight pilot who came up and said "Hey guys I'm with Ameriflight, I got a seat in the back." The CA and I looked at each other was speechless. All the CA said was "You're more than welcome but you still have to ask."

Depends on what airline. There are some that don't require a Captain approval to sit in a seat.

It's still the polite and respectful thing to do. As I said to one guy who was an a$$ when I checked in up front despite having been given a seat in the back "I would rather have you know and not care than care and not know".

Even a stoopit FA like me knows you check in with the pilots or follow what the lead FA tells you to do after you introduce to him or her.

Correct, but the Captain, in this instance, was wrong. He doesn't have to ask for permission. He doesn't own the flowback seats, the gate does.